Quotations from P G Wodehouse are copyright of, and reprinted by permission of, the Trustees of the Wodehouse Estate © 2012 The P G Wodehouse Society (UK)

Washed Out – But No Wash-Out

The PGW Society Gold Bats versus Dulwich Dusters Cricket Match at Dulwich College on 20th June 2008

Murray Hedgcock Reports …

Cricket at international level can be a real wash-out if washed out - but when the Gold Bats play, even rain killing off an entire innings cannot spoil the day.

Rain was forecast to hit Dulwich around 6 p.m. on Friday, June 20, and it did, just as both teams - and a surprising number of freeloaders - were tucking in to the traditional sumptuous tea. (Tight security is planned for next year to ensure that everyone who is supposed to pay for tea, actually does so.)

As a string of matches was scheduled for the First Eleven square in the fortnight before the school year ended, the Dulwich authorities reluctantly called time, to ensure the pitches were not damaged.

So the statistics read: The Gold Bats, 100 for four wickets (innings closed after 20 overs). Dulwich Dusters did not bat. Match abandoned.

But those 20 overs provided a feast of fun cricket, both sides contributing.

By some curious process, it was decided that the Wodehouseans would bat first, even thought we had a full eleven, and the Dusters were waiting on the arrival of two or three latecomers.

Oliver Wise once again dug deep into his wardrobe to produce a range of impressive MCC vestments (no matter that the sweater was for real tennis, not cricket), while Mark Wilcox looked the coolly competent player he has proved himself in many a Gold Bats battle.

An uneventful opening over at modest pace was succeeded by a distinctly alarming one, as the tall, athletic figure of Physics master Alan Kennedy let fly a series of ferocious deliveries which caused far more problems to his wicketkeeper than to our batsmen.

Three fiery balls hurtled straight to the boundary, suggesting a need for the old-fashioned long-stop, to provide essential backup.

Kennedy’s second over was more controlled, but his pace was still considerable, so that his retirement at that point, under the match regulation of just two overs from each bowler, was received with some relief by the Gold Bats.

However “Byes” in the finish reached the startling total of 22. Should “Byes” too have been required to retire if reaching 25 (as is required of batsmen)? MCC may be asked to adjudicate.

The innings progressed steadily (each of the eight batsmen to face up scored at least half a dozen) against bowling of somewhat mixed quality.

Oliver Wise, seeing little of the strike, had a moment of anticipated glory when he lofted a well-pitched ball in the direction of the clock-tower - to the exultant thought (as explained later): “For the first time in my cricketing life, I’ve hit a six!”

It was the sad duty of the umpire (your correspondent) to signal that the ball had lobbed just inside the boundary. We hope for better luck next time round.

Murray Hedgecock, our reporter and umpire, efficiently declares someone out before even going in!

Zimbabwean gap-year student Krishna Sivakunderan came on to turn the ball sharply, several times beating bat, pads, wicket and keeper as well, while his Indian colleague, known simply as “Pal”, took a notably nonchalant return catch to dismiss a startled Oliver, who clearly felt he had thumped a full toss well enough to be rewarded with runs.

One special “Gold Bat” regulation applies in these games: each team must employ a lob bowler (and if you think “lob” simply means a ball tossed high in the air, check your cricket dictionary. It means under-arm bowling).

Maths teacher John Carroll, who had arrived late (from coaching Under-Fives at tennis, he explained) was the designated Dusters’ lobster. He hit a length straight away, and a graceful pirouette in his follow-through added charm to the delivery.

But he arrived and left without major incident - and then came the Dusters’ magic moment. They called up a SECOND lob bowler, and to add spice to the event, this was their lady player.

Oldsters will recall the charming Mrs Henderson, Head of Italian, who played for the Dusters in early games, sometimes in fetching shorts - which distracted our gallant lads - and sometimes in full-length flannels, which simply frustrated them.

This time the distaff side, as cricket writers once would write, was represented by Clare Malloch, Head of Physics (in tracksuit trousers). She explained later in an exclusive interview for The Wodehouse Website, that she is primarily a footballer and rugger player.

“David, the captain, had urged me to play cricket several times. This is his last match as he is leaving Dulwich, and so I thought I should turn out,” she recorded.

Clare wore a shirt with a distinctive badminton emblem, embodying the doctrine of the immortal Stephen Potter, whose “gamesmanship” studies (“the art of winning without actually cheating”) stressed the need for the sportsman or woman to indicate in any game, that their true strength was in another.

She too struck a length immediately, but the fifth ball was short enough to be swung powerfully to leg by Richard Heard.

Fellow lobber John Carroll came haring round from square leg to midwicket to take a splendid running catch knee-high, sparking Duster jubilation. (Was it necessary for so many to embrace the bowler quite so enthusiastically?)

The incoming batsman was helpfully informed by Umpire Rush (Snr) that he would face bowling that was “rightarm, underarm - and dangerous”.

And Clare’s second over brought further triumph when new Gold Bat PC Mellon, in an attempt to plant the ball somewhere around West Dulwich Station, missed by a mile, and saw his stumps shattered.

They queued to kiss Miss Malloch - and Umpire Rush amended his information to the new batsman, that the bowling was “VERY dangerous”.

There was a curious incident when Mike Savage, whose stance takes him some way down the pitch (is this a hangover from his notable hockey-playing days?) missed his first ball, and was decisively stumped.

He was given out, but as we play some matches in which first-ball dismissals do not apply, he understandably quizzed the square leg umpire (your correspondent). As I had checked in advance with the skippers that there was to be no such dispensation, I confirmed the decision, but Dusters captain David Wickes sportingly called him back. Michael blossomed, and included a five - thanks to a boundary over-throw - in his reprieved knock.

Mark Wilcox top-scored with a crisp 25 (retired), and there was a nice knock by Julian Hill, helping take the score to a satisfactory 100 - although less pleased were Messrs Lloyd, Rush (Jnr) and Bruce, who did not reach the crease.

But rain pitter-pattered in the last few balls of the innings, and during tea it grew steadily, until the sad sight was seen of the covers being brought on. Captains and umpires agreed the match be called off.

PG Wodehouse played for the Dulwich College first cricket team in both 1899 and 1900

Home captain David Wilkes sportingly suggested that as The Gold Bats had scored a reasonable tally, and The Dulwich Dusters nothing at all, then this could be considered a rare victory for the visitors. It was a kindly thought, but is not confirmed in the official records. BUT our famous Society catering department yet again was a runaway winner, led by Chairman Hilary Bruce, with Elin Murphy and Elaine Ring, aided and abetted by Christine Hewitt, Jo Selfe, and Norman Murphy and Tony Ring. They always score!

Special thanks are due again to scorer Stephen Fullom for keeping the tally - and to his energetic young assistant from Nagpur, a youthful flying-and-aircraft buff who operated the manual telegraph at the speed of a jet. He was presented with the match ball.

FOOTNOTE: One solitary attempt to reproduce the notorious Kevin Pietersen switch-hit was made by a Gold Bat. He is left nameless, to spare his blushes for (a) bringing this traditional match into disrepute by attempting so scandalous a stroke, and (b) totally fouling it up anyway.