Round 131 - 2 September 2002

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Wodehouse's stories are filled with animals – dogs, pigs, newts, prawns, and cats in adages. Identify the novels and stories from which the following references to our dumb chums come.

1. A__ sat on his bed, staring before him. He was roused from his trance by a tap on the door.

"Who's that?" he cried, bounding up. His eye was wild. He was prepared to sell his life dearly.

"It is I, sir. Simmons."

"What do you want?"

The door opened a few inches. Through the gap there came a hand. In the hand was a silver salver. On the salver lay something squishy that writhed and wriggled.

"Your B__, sir," said the voice of Simmons.

What is the animal (B) on the salver, where had it been found, and who had put it there?

2. "Yoicks!" cried the inner voice, for once varying its formula.

"Tally-ho!" replied C__.

"Two thousand quid!" said the inner voice, returning to the old programme.

"Absolutely!" said C__.

Brimming with sunny optimism, he bounded forward. He reached the wickerwork basket. He stooped over it. He lifted the lid and plunged his hand in.

Who is C, what does he think is in the basket, and what is he going to find in it?

3. "I must apologise for this intrusion," I said successfully. "Unwarrantable" would have rounded the sentence neatly, but I would not risk it. It would have been mere bravado to attempt unnecessary words of five syllables. I took in more breath. "The fact is, I did – didn't know there was a private garden beyond the hedge. If you will give me my D__..."

I stopped. E__ was looking away, as if endeavouring to create an impression of having nothing to do with me. I am told by one who knows that D__s cannot raise their eyebrows, not having any; but I am prepared to swear that at this moment E__ raised hers. I will go further. She sniffed.

What is this animal (D), and what is her name (E)?

4. "I think the heat must have made him irritable. In his normal state he would not strike a lamb. I've known him to do it."

"Do what?"

"Not strike lambs."

Who is the gentle soul who goes about not striking lambs – Kid Brady, Battling Billson, Stinker Pinker, or Jerry Mitchell? (For a bonus point, which Wodehouse character was once bitten by a lamb?)

5. It was a confusion of ideas between him and one of the lions he was hunting in Kenya that had caused F__ to make the obituary column. He thought the lion was dead, and the lion thought it wasn't. The result being that when he placed his foot on the animal's neck preparatory to being photographed by G__, the White Hunter accompanying the expedition, a rather unpleasant brawl had ensued....

Who is (or rather was) F?

Who was this person struggling to write a love letter to his dream-rabbit? How did he splash the letter with "human interest"?

2. "Bend!" said X. "Stretch!"
"Stretch?"
"And bend." said X, insisting on full measure. "First bend, then stretch. Let me see your chest expand and hear the tinkle of buttons as you burst your waistcoat asunder."

Who was this fitness freak who seemed to derive joy out of watching other people exercise? What did Y say to X that led to a dangerous gleam in his, X's, eyes?

3. Seven wickets were down for thirty when Z came in. Z had always disclaimed any pretensions to batting skill, but he was undoubtedly the right man for a crisis like this. He had an enormous reach, and he used it. Three consecutive balls from A he converted to full-tosses and swept to the leg-boundary, and assisted by B, who had been sitting on the splice in his usual manner, he raised the total to seventy one, before being yorked, with his score at thirty-five. Ten minutes later, the innings was over, with B not out sixteen, with the score on seventy-nine.

Who was this batsman who played that match-saving innings of thirty-five? Bonus points for the name of the opposition.

"You mean the chap's out of a job?" he cried aghast.
"Yes. And it could not have happened at a more fortunate time, because something has got to be done about George."

Who was the chappie out of a job? What led to his losing his job with "that genial Chicagoan"?

The theme: Instead of setting questions on a specific theme, I decided to let the quizzer find what the theme was. Something unique connects all the people in the previous questions. What is it?

No specific themes again. The answer for Q5 will depend on the answers of Q1 through Q4.

1. There was a lighted window only a short distance away, so he shoved his head out as far as it would stretch and said:

"I say!"

There being no response, he repeated:

"I say!"

And, finally, to drive his point home, he added:

"I say! I say! I say!"

This time he got results. The head of A suddenly protruded from the window.

"Who," she inquired, "is making that abominable noise?"

It was not precisely the attitude B had hoped for, but he could take the rough with the smooth.

"It's me. B."
"Must you sing on your balcony, Mr. B?"
"I wasn't singing. I was saying 'I say'."
"What were you saying?"
"'I say'."
"You say what?"
"I was saying 'I say'. Kind of a heart-cry, if you know what I mean. The fact is, there is a dog in my room."
"What sort of a dog?"
"A whacking great Alsatian."
"Ah, that would be Wilhelm. Good night, Mr. B"

The window closed. B let out a heart-stricken yelp.

"But I say!"

The window re-opened.

"Really, Mr. B!"
"But what am I to do?"
"Do?"
"About this whacking great Alsatian!"

A seemed to consider.

"No sweet biscuits," she said. "And when the maid brings you your tea in the morning please do not give him sugar. Simply a little milk in the saucer. He is on a diet. Good night, Mr. B."

Who is B? What happens after A retires for the night again?

2. "But I do worry," said X vehemently. "His poor mother was my sister, and since her death I have regarded myself as in loco parentis to the boy. Causes me a great deal of anxiety. Too much money, that's what he has got, and too much time on his hands. When he was at Cambridge, he came within an ace," said X, fixing his companion with a gaze calculated to make the flesh creep, "of marrying a girl in a tobacco shop."

"Boys will be boys."

"Not while I am in loco parentis to them," said X stoutly. "The trouble with Y is that he is impulsive. Got a habit of falling in love at first sight. I don't know who this flashy female is, but I've come down to break this thing up and take him back to Wollam Chersey, where he belongs."

"Is that the name of his place in the country?"

"Yes."

Who is this Y about whom X is brimming with avuncular concern?

3. Gallant, one might say reckless, as he had been a moment before, he now gave indications of a rather pleasing shyness. He braced himself with that painful air of effort which announces to the world that an Englishman is about to speak a language other than his own.

"J'espere," he said, having swallowed once or twice to brace himself up for the journey through the jungle of a foreign tongue, "J'espere que vous n'etas pas - oh, dammit, what's the word - J'espere que vous n'etas pas blesseé?"

"Blesseé?"
"Yes, blesseé. Wounded, Hurt, don't you know. Bitten. Oh, dash it. J'espere ..."
"Oh, bitten!", said Z dimpling. "Oh, no, thanks very much. I wasn't bitten. And I think it was awfully brave of you to save all our lives."

The compliment seemed to pass over the young man's head. He stared at Z with horrified eyes. Over his amiable face there swept a vivid blush. His jaw dropped.

"Oh, my sainted aunt!" he ejaculated.

Then, as if the situation was too much for him and flight the only possible solution, he spun around and disappeared at a walk so rapid that it was almost a run.

Who is this Englishman who obviously lacks the ability to apply the finishing touches to the French language? What makes him run away after saving Z's life?

4. P was waiting for this valet.

"Good evening, sir." said Q. "You rang?"

He found himself impressed with the other's physique, and was surprised it had never carried him beyond preliminary bouts on the Pacific coast. Faulty footwork, he presumed.

There was a snowy shirt lying on the bed. P pointed a banana-like finger at it - emotionally, for it represented to him the last straw.

"You!"
"Sir?"
"See that shirt?"
"Yes, sir."
"Stiff."
"Precisely, sir"
"Well, take it away or I'll make you eat it."

Q felt that the time had come to be firm. There was a compelling steadiness in the eye that he fixed on the fermenting man.

"P", he said quietly. "You will wear your nice shirt."

There was a silence. P's vast frame had become afflicted by what looked like a palsy. He moved, he stirred, he seemed to feel the thrill of life along his keel. His hands had bunched themselves into fists, and he breathed tensely through his squashed nose.

"What?" he muttered throatily. "Wassat you said?"

Who is Q? What makes him so confident that P will not manhandle him in spite of the compelling steadiness in his, Q's, eyes?

5. These 4 young men, with seemingly nothing in common, actually do have something common. What is it?

1. He did not look the sort of young man from whom one could expect stories about kittens called Pinky-Poo or indeed about kittens whose godparents had been less fanciful in their choice of names, for his appearance was distinctly on the rugged side. Tough was the adjective a stylist like Gustave Flaubert would have applied to him, though being French he would have said dur or coriace. He was large and chunky, he had been one of the Possibles in an England international Rugby trial game, and a fondness for boxing had left his nose a little out of the straight and one of his ears twisted. If he had been your guide to the Bronte country or the Land of the Dickens, you would have probably felt a qualm at the thought of being alone with him on a deserted moor or down a dark alley, but your apprehensions would have been needless, for despite his intimidating looks, he was inwardly, like A's Officer Garroway, all sweetness and light. Off the football field and outside the ring anything in the shape of mayhem would have been unthinkable to him.

Who is this young man Gustave Flaubert would have called 'dur' or 'coriace'?

2. 'What about?'
His ankle. He sprained it and is lying prone on a bed of pain. This is your moment. Go and cheer him up.'
'Must I?'
'It might just turn the scale. Do it now.'
'Or tomorrow perhaps? Or the day after?'
'No, now. Why the hesitation?'
'He's rather a formidable character.'
'H'm'.
'Don't say "H'm". No one ever got anywhere by sitting on his trouser seat and saying "H'm". You want to marry the popsy, don't you? Well, obviously the first step is to give X the old oil. So off you go. Cluster round him like a porous plaster. Dance before him. Ask him riddles. Tell him bedtime stories. Sing him lullabies. Amuse him with simple card tricks.'

'Well, if you say so,' said Y, dubiously.

Who was Y? Why was he reluctant to hobnob with X?

3. The Sergeant looked up. If he was surprised to see a human voice when he had supposed himself to be alone with his stamping, he gave no sign of it. His was a face not equipped to register emotion.

'Sir?'
'It's about my wallet. I've lost my wallet.'
'Next door. Office of the Commissaire's secretary.'
'But I've just been there and he told me to come here.'
'Quite in order. You notify him, and then you notify me.'
'So if I notify him again, he will notify me to notify you?'
'You mean I go to him --?'
'Just so.'
'And he sends me to you?'
'Exactly.'
'And then you send me to him?'
'It is the official procedure in the case of lost property.'

Who is the person at the receiving end of a lesson on official procedure for lost property?

4. Z began to dislike this young man. She preferred those about her to be Yes-men in the fine old Hollywood tradition. There came into her eyes a hard, steely look, which any of her native bearers and a variety of half-caste traders through the dark continent would have recognized. It was the look that had caused her to be known in native bearer and half-caste trader circles as 'Mgobo-'Mgumbi, which may be loosely translated as She On Whom It Is Unsafe To Try Any Oompus-Boompus.

'You appear to have made up your mind about her on very slight acquaintance.' she said, frostily.
'The primary asset of the detective is the ability to read character at a glance.'
'Very possibly. But I happen to have had the opportunity of observing her in my nephew's society. And I believe she is trying to entangle him.'

Who was the young man that Z had taken a dislike to?

5. These 4 young men, with seemingly nothing in common, actually do have something in common. What is it?

1. A few moments later it paused, possibly to clear its throat or to try to remember how that next song went, and all was still.

Who is this easy conversationalist with his hands raised? What happens next?

2. "I am going to pass beyond the veil," said X petulantly. "You've made a note of what I am saying. Cigarette case. To be given to Z after my decease."

"Does she smoke?"
"Of course she does."
"She'll be able to blow smoke rings at the pig."
X stiffened.
"There is no need to be flippant, Y. I am asking you as a friend to perform this small act of kindness for me. Can I rely on you?"

"Sure. I'll attend to it."
"Tell her my last thoughts were of her and I expired with her name on my lips".
"Okay."
"Thank you, thank you, thank you," said X, and went to sleep again.

Who is Z, the topic of discussion between X and Y?

3. "It's astounding", said C. "One gasps. Put you in a bathing suit, add you to the list of contestants in any seaside beauty competition, and you would still have the judges whooping and blowing kisses and asking you if you were doing anything next Saturday night."

Who is D? What brings her to meet C after a lapse of years?

4. Owing to the fact that their meetings for some years had been confined to the golf links and the luncheon table, he had forgotten how spectacular this girl could be when arrayed for the evening meal.

Who is A? Why has B changed years of habit and invited her for an evening meal?

5. 4 people are related to someone who looks like a captive balloon poised for its flight. Who is this and what connects the 4 people above to this person?

In the last round, Monty Bodkin was held up by a pistol-packing member of the gentler s. Monty is not the first Wodehousian male to encounter The Girl Behind the Gun (not to mention Jeff Miller's experience with Mrs Molloy, the girl behind the stone tobacco jar). Identify the following gunslingers and gunslingees (four f's, ditto m's).

1. "Drop that pistol!" said the voice of A__ immediately, with quiet severity. "I've got you covered!"

B__ had no pistol, but he dropped the candle. It would have been a nice point to say whether he was more perturbed by the discovery that he had got into the wrong room, and that room a lady's, or by the fact that the lady whose wrong room it was had pointed what appeared to be a small cannon at him over the foot of the bed. It was not, as a matter of fact, a cannon but the elephant gun, which A__ carried with her everywhere – a girl's best friend.

Who are A and B, and whose room had B meant to enter?

2. C__ re-entered.

"Jane says -" she began, then broke off with a piercing scream. "Hilda! Oh, Hilda, what are you doing with that pistol?"

The solid girl calmed her fears, though leaving mine in statu quo. "Don't get excited. I'm not going to shoot myself. Though it would be a pretty good idea, at that. There's a man behind the sofa."

"Hilda!"

"I've been wondering for some time where that curious breathing sound was coming from. Percy spotted him. At-a-boy, Percy, nice work. Come on out of it, you."

Rightly concluding that she meant me, I emerged, and C__ uttered another of her piercing screams.

Who is at the other end of Hilda's gun, and why was he hiding behind the sofa?

3. He was turning the handle with the view of testing this theory, when a voice behind him, speaking softly but with a startling abruptness, said "Hands up!"

At the foot of the stairs, her wide mouth set in a determined line, her tow-coloured hair adorned with gleaming curling-pins, there was standing a young woman in a pink dressing-gown and slippers. In her right hand, pointed at his head, she held a revolver.

Who is the man, in whose house is he, and in whose house does he think he is?

4. It was at this point that D__ became aware of a young woman standing in the doorway through which he had just passed. About this young woman there were many points which would have found little favour in the eyes of a critic of feminine charm. She was too short, too square, and too solid. She had a much too determined chin. But the thing that D__ liked least about her was the pistol she was pointing at his head.

Again, identify the man and woman. What has the man come to do?

Among the many dogs in Wodehouse's stories are several so-called watch-dogs, but they are generally about as efficient in their profession as Monty Bodkin is at his various jobs. Identifying the following.

1. "Then you must like everybody."

A__ thought this over. It was a novel idea, but there was truth in it.

"I suppose I do."

"I see. Just another B__."

"Another who?"

"Our bulldog."

"Is he a glad-hander?"

"Very much so. If we ever have a burglar, B__ will put him at his ease in a moment. The perfect host."

Give B's name. Who later attempts a burglary in B's house?

2. Between C__ and the humans who provided him with dog-biscuits and occasionally with sweet cakes there had always existed a misunderstanding which no words could remove. The position of the humans was quite clear; they had elected C__ to his present position on a straight watch-dog ticket. They expected him to be one of those dogs who rouse the house and save the spoons. They looked to him to pin burglars by the leg and hold on till the police arrived. C__ simply could not grasp such an attitude of mind. He regarded D__ not as a private house but as a social club, and was utterly unable to see any difference between the human beings he knew and the strangers who dropped in for a late chat after the place was locked up.

Name C, who welcomes the intruder "like a long-lost friend".
Where does the intruder take refuge?

3. He had reached the foot of the steps and paused to listen, when the evening air was suddenly split by a sharp feminine scream. This was followed by a joyous barking. And this in its turn was followed by the abrupt appearance of a flying figure, racing toward the gate. It was moving swiftly and the light was dim, but E__ had no difficulty in recognizing his old acquaintance Miss F__, of Pittsburgh. She fled rapidly through the gate and out into Burberry Road, while G__, looking in the dusk like a small elephant, gambolled about her, uttering strange canine noises.

Name the watch-dog (G) who wants to play, and the would-be burglaress.

4. I was just sniffing at a place in the wall, when I heard a scratching noise. At first I thought it was the mice working in a different place, but, when I listened, I found that the sound came from the window. Somebody was doing something to it from outside ... But I didn't bark. I stopped where I was and listened. And presently the window came opec, and somebody began to climb in. I gave a good sniff, and I knew it was the man. I was so delighted for a moment I nearly forgot myself and shouted with joy ... It was very dark, but he had brought a lantern with him, and I could see him moving about the room, picking things up and putting them in a bag which he had brought with him.

Why does the watchdog-narrator keep quiet when the burglar comes in the window?

5. He descended heavily on the dog H__. H__, wandering out for a last stroll before turning in, had just paused beneath the window to investigate a smell which had been called to her attention on the gravel. She was trying to make up her mind whether it was rats or the ghost of a long-lost bone when the skies suddenly started raining heavy bodies on her. H__ was a dog who, as a rule, took things as they came, her guiding motto in life being the old Horatian Nil admirari, but she could lose her poise. A startled oath escaped her, and for a brief instant she was completely unequal to the situation. I__, equally startled but far too busy to stop, had disengaged himself and was vanishing into the darkness.

Name the dog (H), and also the burglar who droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the dog beneath. For extra credit, who else in Wodehouse has the motto Nil admirari?

A Spot of Art

An art expert (or at least Mortimer Bayliss) can identify an artist after one glance at a painting. Can you identify the following artists without seeing their pictures?

1. "Let me look." She crossed over to the easel. "I shouldn't," he warned her. "You really want to? Is this not mere recklessness? Very well, then." To the eye of an experienced critic the picture would certainly have seemed crude. It was a study of a dark-eyed child holding a large black cat. Statisticians estimate that there is no moment during the day when one or more young artists somewhere on the face of the globe are not painting pictures of children holding cats. "I call it 'Child and Cat'," said the young man. "Rather a neat title, don't you think? Gives you the main idea of the thing right away. That," he explained, pointing obligingly with the stem of his pipe, "is the cat."

Who is the artist?

2. The Dean's opinion of artists was low. As a prominent member of the Bolsover Watch Committee, it had recently been his distasteful duty to be present at a private showing of the super-super-film, "Palettes of Passion"; and he replied to his nephew's communication with a vibrant letter in which he emphasized the grievous pain it gave him to think that one of his flesh and blood should deliberately be embarking on a career which must inevitably lead sooner or later to the painting of Russian princesses lying on divans in the semi-nude with their arms round tame jaguars.

Again, identify the artist. What is he actually painting in the course of this story?

3. Looking over the edge of the gallery before coming downstairs A__ perceived his visitor engaged in a tour of the studio. At that moment she was examining his masterpiece, "Ariadne in Naxos". He had called it that because that was what it had turned into. At the beginning he had had no definite opinion as to its identity. It was rather a habit with his pictures to start out in a vague spirit of adventure and receive their label on completion. He had an airy and a dashing way in his dealings with the goddess Art.

Again, identify the artist, and the visitor/self-appointed art critic.

4. What she was drawing to my attention was a large oil painting. A classical picture, I suppose you would have called it. Stout female in the minimum of clothing in a conference with a dove. "Venus?" I said. It's usually a safe bet.

Who painted this? Who now owns this painting, and how did he acquire it?

With Valentine's Day approaching, a quizmaster's fancy turns lightly to thoughts of love. Wodehouse's reputation as a humorist has obscured his talent for laying bare hearts as with a scalpel. His stories contain passages as romantic as any penned by Leila Yorke or Leila J Pinckney. Not even Rosie M Banks has written a tender love scene, as Wodehouse did in Uneasy Money, in which a man embraces his love and proposes while holding a dead monkey by the tail, or ended a story with words as touching as "He folded her in his arms, using the interlocking grip."

Identify the participants in the following ardent love scenes.

1. "I love you," said A__.
"That's the way to talk," said B__.
"I shall never love anyone but you."
"Better and better."
"Did you know that ants run faster in warm weather?"
"No, really? Faster than what?"

Who is A, and from whom did he learn this nugget of information (about the ants, not his love for B)?

2. Even up to this point, C__ had not liked the dialogue. It now became perfectly nauseating. D__ said it had all been her fault. E__ said, No, his. No, hers, said D__. No, his, said E__. ... He revealed himself as a blister, a tick, and a perishing outsider.
"You're not!"
"I am!"
"You're not!"
"I am!"
"Of course you're not!"
"I certainly am!"
"Well, I love you anyway."
"You can't."
"I do."
"You can't."
"I do."
C__ writhed in silent anguish.
"How long?" said C__ to his immortal soul. "How long?"

Identify the eloquent lovers, and explain how C comes to be a reluctant earwitness.

3. "Love, first a tiny seed, has burgeoned in my heart till, blazing into flame, it has swept away on the crest of its wave my diffidence, my doubt, my fears, and my foreboding, and now, like the topmost topaz of some ancient tower, it cries to all the world in a voice of thunder: "You are mine! My mate! Predestined to me since Time first began!" ... F__, I am not an eloquent man – I cannot speak fluently as I could wish – but these simple words which you have just heard come from the heart, from the unspotted heart of an English gentleman. F__, I love you. Will you be my wife, married woman, matron, spouse, helpmeet, consort, partner or better half?"

Who is this slightly more articulate lover?

4. She looked up at G__ as if she had at last found something that amounted to something. I am inclined to think it was a case of love at first sight on both sides.
"Fine weather we're having," said G__, who was a capital conversationalist.
"Yes," said the girl.
"I like fine weather."
"So do I."
"There's something about fine weather!"
"Yes."
"It's – it's – well, fine weather's so much finer than weather that isn't fine," said G__.
He looked at the girl a little anxiously, fearing he might be taking her out of her depth, but she seemed to have followed his train of thought perfectly.
"Yes, isn't it?" she said. "It's so – so fine."
"That's just what I meant," said G__. "So fine. You've just hit it."
He was charmed. The combination of beauty with intelligence is so rare.

Again, identify the lovers. What is about to increase G's love for this girl?