Nerves of Steel

This is one of those annoying "What do these questions all have in common?" quizzes. Once you spot the common thread, you will soon pick up the more obscure ones.

1. "The fact is, poor old P___ is feeling a little low just now. He got a letter this morning from his man, Q___, in London, a fellow who has been with him for years and has few equals as a trouser-presser, springing the news out of an absolutely clear sky that he's been secretly engaged for weeks and is just going to get married and leave P___. Naturally, it has upset the poor chap badly. With a thing like that on his mind he should never have accepted an exacting part like R___."

What is the part that this unfortunate actor has just messed up? For a bonus, where do Mr and Mrs Q___ spend their honeymoon?

2. [...] She is a fine, large handsome girl, built rather on the lines of Pop-Eye the sailor, and S___, who was on the slender side, had always admired her. He caught her eye, and she smiled brightly. He went over to where she sat, and presently they were out on the floor. He saw T___ appear at the french windows and stand looking in, and intensified the silent passion of his dancing, trying to convey the idea of being something South American, which ought to be chained up and muzzled in the interests of pure womanhood. T___ sniffed with a violence that caused the lights to flicker, and an hour or so later S___ went home, well pleased with the start he had made.

Who is this breaker of women's hearts?

3. "Fifty shillings?" he bleated.

"Two pounds ten," said old U___, making it clear to the meanest intelligence. "After you left me, I was dissatisfied with your figures, so I went and consulted my cook, a most capable woman, as to the market price of buns and cocoa, and what she told me convinces me that you can do the whole thing comfortably on seven pounds ten. So I hurried here to recover the fifty shillings which I overpaid you. I can give you change."

Can you name the cook? For a bonus point, calculate how much (according to her figures) it costs in old pence to supply one Mother with buns and cocoa.

4. Born V___ Banks, of the Chilicothe, Ohio, Bankses, with no assets beyond a lovely face, a superb figure and a mild talent for vers libre, she had come to Greenwich Village to seek her fortune and had found it first crack out of the box. At a studio party in Macdougall Alley she had met and fascinated W___, the Pulp Paper magnate, and in almost no time at all had become his wife.

Widowed owing to W___ trying to drive his car one night through a truck instead of round it, and two years later meeting in Paris and marrying the millionaire sportsman and big game hunter X___, she was almost immediately widowed again.

Under what name do we encounter the former Miss Banks?

5. Towns like Y___, Ohio, are all right, if you like towns like Y___, Ohio, but they have this defect, that in the winter months they tend to get a bit chilly, and Z___, as the years went by and his blood grew thinner, had come more and more to feel how agreeable a move to a warmer climate would be. If he could get the Washington off his hands, he could buy some nice little hotel in Florida and retire there when the snows began to fly.

Which town in Ohio is this, even chillier than Chilicothe?

Round 172 - 19 December 2003

Caught in the Act

Three of these questions are about uncles, with or without guilty consciences, being taken to task by their nieces. The other one isn't, but there is a sort of connection ...

1. He followed the girl into the writing room and closed the door carefully behind him.

"You – you didn't see me?" he quavered.

"I certainly did see you," said A___. "I was an interested eyewitness of the whole thing from start to finish."

B___ tottered to a chair and sank into it, staring glassily at his niece. Any Chicago businessman of the modern school would have understood what he was feeling and would have sympathised with him.
The thing that poisons life for gunmen and sometimes makes them wonder moodily if it is worth-while going on is this tendency of the outside public to butt in at inconvenient moments. Whenever you settle some business dispute with a commercial competitior by means of your sub-machine gun, it always turns out that there was some officious witness passing at the time, and there you are, with a new problem confronting you.

Can you name the gunman and the witness in this case?

2. One glance at his niece C___ as she entered the study where he sat trying to ascertain what the composer of the crossword meant by the words "spasmodic as a busy tailor", had been enough to tell his practised eye that she was ratty, hot under the collar, and madder than a wet hen.

"Uncle D___," she said, and, musical though her voice was, D___ did not like it. "Was it you who painted that moustache on E___'s statue?"

Which uncle has been getting into trouble this time? For a bonus point, name the key witness whose evidence could sink him entirely.

3. In the code of the F___'s there is a commandment which stands out above all others, written out in large letters, and those letters of gold. It is the one which enacts that if by his ill-considered actions the man of honour has compromised a lady, he must at once proceed, no matter what the cost, to de-compromise her.

He did not hesitate. Tripping over the skirt of his dressing gown and clutching at a pedestal bearing a bust of the late Mr Gladstone, and bringing pedestal and bust with a crash to the ground, he said with quiet nobility: "It's all right ma'am. We're engaged!"

Who is this parfit gentil knight, and in the library of which castle has he allowed himself to be caught with his arm around the wrong girl?

4. "... It is, as I say, a long story, but if you are sure it won't bore you ----"

"Not at all," said G___. "We shall all be most interested. So will Aunt H___, when I tell her."

J___ looked concerned.

"My dear child, you mustn't breath a word to your aunt about meeting me here."

"Oh, no?"

"Emphatically not." K___ will agree with me, I know, when she has heard what I have to say."

Which uncle is being taken to task by his niece here?

Round 173 - 31 December 2003

Anecdotally Tanked to the Uvula

At this festive time of the year it's quite possible that some of us may be inclined to follow the examples set by Webster the cat and Lord Brancaster's parrot; that is to say – by mopping the stuff up to some extent. If you are suffering from a heavy head or expect to be doing so in the next few days, you're certainly not alone as this week's Quiz will demonstrate.

The following people aren't precisely Wodehouse characters in that they don't make personal appearances in the canon but are recalled anecdotally for their exploits when under the influence. And I must say I think it's a pity that Plum didn't introduce them to us. I think they would have been excellent company! Can you identify the anecdotal drinker and the speaker in the following questions? Extra points if you also nail down the source story or novel.

1. "Who rode a bicycle down Piccadilly in sky-blue underclothing in the late summer of '97? (...) Who, returning to his rooms in the early morning of New Year's Day, 1902, mistook the coal-scuttle for a mad dog and tried to shoot it with the fire-tongs? (...) Supplementary material (...) will be found in Chapters Three, Eleven, Sixteen, Seventeen, and Twenty-one, especially Chapter Twenty-one."

2. "I knew a feller once, Harry Corker his name was. Old Suction Pump we used to call him, got into a house while under the influence, caught hold of the safe as it was coming around for the second time, started twiddling the knobs, and first thing you know he'd got dance music from a continental station. If he hadn't retained the presence of mind to dive through the window, taking the glass with him, he'd have been for it. Steadied him a good deal, that experience."

(For this question we've helped you out by providing Old Suction Pump's name. Was the fellow doing the reminiscing (I) Llewellyn "Basher" Evans, (II) James Phipps, (III) Soup Slattery, (IV) Frederick Mullett or (V) Augustus Robb?)

3. (Your task here is to identify the gin-drinking etiquette expert, B.)

She inspected ___(A)___ through her lorgnette.

"Mr. ___(A)___," she said, "is a little like _____(B)____ – though, of course, he was darker and had a ring through his nose. A dear, good fellow," she continued reminiscently, "but inclined to become familiar under the influence of trade gin. I shot him in the leg."

"Er - why?" asked ___(A)___.

"He was not behaving like a gentleman," said ___(C)____ primly.

"After taking your treatment," said ___(A)___, awed, "I'll bet he could have written a Book of Etiquette."

4. (True, there is no actual proof that the absent Mr D in this question drinks anything stronger than lemonade, but the circumstantial evidence does lead to certain conclusions.)

He quaffed again. The foundation of the beverage manufactured by Mr ___(D)___ seemed to be neat vitriol, but, once you had got used to the top of your head going up and down like the lid of a kettle with boiling water in it, the effects were far from unpleasant. Mr ___(D)___ may not have had ideals, but he unquestionably knew what to do when you handed him a still and a potato.

5. (And a bonus question to help get you into the seasonal party spirit: Can you identify E, who, accompanied by his cousin and old Stinker Pomeroy – the anecdotal drinker for purposes of this week's theme – made such an outstanding exhibition of himself in a glass-breaking orgy on New Year's Eve?)

"What the devil do you mean, you're all right? You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You go sneaking off to Hollywood, and I find you here, mopping up the stuff like a vacuum cleaner."

(...)

A look of pain came into his face. "Is this ___(E)___ speaking?" he said reproachfully. "My cousin ___(E)___, who on New Year's Eve two years ago, in the company of myself and old Stinker Pomeroy, broke twenty-three glasses at the Café de l'Europe and was thrown out kicking and screaming."

Round 174 - 8 January 2004

Sanctuary

There comes a time (and for many people the first few days of the new year are one of those times) when what every chap needs most is a spot of seclusion. But how and where to find it? Bertie Wooster, when being chivvied by a particularly adhesive female, once bitterly remarked, "It's getting so that, when I have a bath, I wouldn't be a bit surprised to find her nestling in the soap dish."

Can you identify the following four unfortunates who sought, but failed to find, sanctuary?

1. Outside the marquee the world was quieter, but only comparatively so. What ___(A)___ craved was solitude, and in all the broad park there seemed to be but one spot where it was to be had. This was a red-tiled shed, standing beside a small pond, used at happier times as a lounge or retiring room for cattle. Hurrying thither, ___(A)___ had begun to revel in the cool, cow-scented dimness of its interior when from one of the dark corners, causing him to start and bite his tongue, there came the sound of a subdued sniff.

He turned. This was persecution. With the whole park to mess about in, why should an infernal child invade this one sanctuary of his? He spoke with angry sharpness. He came of a line of warrior ancestors and his fighting blood was up.

"Who's that?"

"Me, sir. Thank you, sir."

2. "I don't think anything of the kind," said ___(B)___. "I know that ___(C)___ has been..."

"Scrupulously correct in his behaviour throughout," I suggested.

"...sleeping in a potting shed," continued ___(B)___, and I must say it didn't sound half as good as my version.

3. It seemed to me that the potting shed was far enough away from the house to be out of the danger zone, so I made for it. And I was crossing the threshold with a gay, if sotto voce, song on my lips, when there was a sharp squeal from its dark interior, and I knew that here, too, some poor human waif had found and taken sanctuary.

The next moment the rays of the torch, of which I had quickly pressed the button, revealed the well-known features of my Aunt ___(D)___.

There are times in life (...) when the man of iron self-control may be excused for momentarily losing his phlegm. It is a very unnerving thing to find an aunt whom you know to be in the south of France nestling in a potting shed in Wimbledon.

4. Mr. ___(E)___ (...) made his way to the room where muscular attendants were in waiting to perform that blend of Jiu-Jitsu and Catch-as-catch-can which is the most valuable and at the same time most painful part of a Turkish Bath. It was not till he was resting on his sofa, swathed from head to foot in a sheet and smoking a cigarette, that he realized that ___(F)___ was sharing his compartment.

He made the unpleasant discovery just as he had finished his first cigarette and lighted his second. He was blowing out the match when ___(F)___, accompanied by an attendant, appeared in the doorway, and proceeded to occupy the next sofa to himself. All that feeling of dreamy peace, which is the reward one receives for allowing oneself to be melted like wax and kneaded like bread, left him instantly. He felt hot and annoyed. To escape was out of the question. Once one has been scientifically wrapped up by the attendant and placed on one's sofa, one is a fixture.

Round 175 - 17 January 2004

Synthetic Dumb Chums

There's nothing a Wodehouse character likes more than impersonating something. A Canadian poet, an eminent loony doctor, a South American explorer, a tuft of grass, a mountain pass, a kopje or a cactus - they're all fair game when someone has to pretend to be someone or something else. This week we have four examples of people impersonating various kinds of wildlife and need your help to identify the principals. As usual, extra credit for supplying details on the source novel or short story.

1. He had been glaring at me through horn-rimmed spectacles, but now, as he perceived who it was that stood without, the flame faded behind the lenses, to be replaced by a look of astonishment (...) and he apologized for having bunged china ornaments at me.

"Why did you imitate the note of the lesser screech owl?" he asked, rebukingly. "I thought you were ____(A)___. He comes sneaking round here, trying to do me acts of kindness, and that is always how he announces his presence. I am never without a certain amount of ammunition handy at the desk."

(Please identify the two screech owl imitators, A and the narrator, as well as their well-armed host. A bonus point if you can identify the species of bird the host is said to resemble.)

2. Leaning against the counter not three feet away from him was a young man in apparel so curious and exotic that it smote Mr. ___(B)____ like a blow. (...) ___(C)___, as he leaned on the counter exchanging civilities with the man behind it, was covered from head to foot in bright green scales and his shapely nose was concealed beneath a long crimson beak. And Mr ___(B)___, having shied like a horse and blinked violently, became conscious of an overwhelming urge to get to the bottom of this sad affair. It made him ill to contemplate ___(C)___, but, mingled with the nausea, there was this feeling of intense curiosity. He felt he would not be able to sleep that night if he did not ascertain what on earth the other supposed he was representing.

(Can you put Mr B, himself a dab hand at imitating a startled horse, out of his suspense and let him, and us, know what this scaly C chap is supposed to be?)

3. The whistle of a Striped Iguanodon sounded softly in the darkness. The sentry, who was pacing to and fro before the camp-fire, halted, and peered into the night. As he peered, he uttered the plaintive note of a zebra calling to its mate.

A voice from the darkness said, "Een gonyama-gonyama."

"Invooboo," replied the sentry argumentatively "Yah bo! Yah bo! Invooboo."

An indistinct figure moved forward.

"Who goes there?"

"A friend."

"Advance, friend, and give the countersign."

"Remember Mafeking, and death to Injuns."

"Pass friend! All's well."

The figure walked on into the firelight. The sentry started; then saluted and stood to attention. On his face was a worshipping look of admiration and awe, such as some young soldier of the Grande Armee might have worn on seeing Napoleon; for the newcomer was ____(D)____.

(Please identify the iguanodon and zebra imitators in the above exchange and if you don't happen to have a copy of this quite rare book your Quiz-Master will be happy to provide a hint and a pointer by way of an act of kindness.)

4. (And, to conclude, you have another accidental owl-imitator to identify.)

(...) Mr ___(E)___ (...), lowering himself cautiously to the ground, squelched across the dripping grass.

In the hall, ___(F)___, the valet, dry and dignified, was tapping the barometer with the wrist action of an ambassador knocking on the door of a friendly monarch.

"A sharp downpour, sir," he remarked.

"Have you been in the house all the time?" demanded Mr. ___(E)___.

"Yes, sir."

"Didn't you hear me shouting?"

"I did fancy I heard something, sir."

"Then why the devil didn't you come to me?"

"I supposed it to be the owls, sir, a bird very frequent in this locality. They make a sort of harsh, hooting howl, sir. I have sometimes wondered," said ___(F)___, pursuing a not uninteresting train of thought, "whether that might be the reason of the name."

Round 176 - 25 January 2004

Neither a borrower nor a lender be

As was pointed out about Mustard Pott in Uncle Fred in the Springtime, a surprising number of people whom you would not have suspected of familiarity with the writings of Shakespeare seem to be able to quote from Polonius's speech to Laertes. By an odd coincidence they seem to be almost exclusively made up of prospective lenders. Would-be borrowers, on the other hand, seem to have a definite need to brush up their Shakespeare, as a well known twentieth century bard so memorably put it. Can you identify the would-be borrowers and their prospective victims in the following examples?

1. "Do you want to make an enormous fortune? (...) Then write my biography. Bung it down on paper and we'll split the proceeds. (...) Pots of money in it, my boy – English serial rights and American serial rights and book rights, and dramatic rights and movie rights – well, you can take it from me that, by a conservative estimate, we should clean up at least fifty thousand pounds apiece. (....) I'll tell you what. You're a good chap and we've been pals for years, so I'll let you have my share of the English serial rights for a hundred pounds down."
"What makes you think I've got a hundred pounds?"

"Well then, I'll make it my share of the English and American serial rights for fifty."

"Your collar's come off its stud."

"How about my complete share of the whole dashed works for twenty-five?"

"Not for me, thanks."

"Then I'll tell you what, old horse," said ___(A)___, inspired. "Just lend me half a crown to be going on with."

2. "I was thinking er – I was wondering - well, to tell the truth, it crossed my mind that you might possibly be willing to part with a trifle."

"It did, eh?"

"I don't see why you shouldn't," said __(B)___ plaintively. "You must have plenty. There's a lot of money in this chaperoning business. When you took on that Argentine girl three years ago you got a couple of thousand pounds."

"I got fifteen hundred," corrected his sister. "In a moment of weakness – I can't imagine what I was thinking of - I lent you the rest."

"Er – well, yes," said ____(B)____, not unembarrassed. "That is, in a measure, true. It comes back to me now."

"It didn't come back to me - ever," said ___(C)___, in a voice that sounded, though not to her brother, like the tinkling of silver bells.

3. The hand which had been moving toward him clasped his, and the other of the two with which Mr. ___(D)___ was equipped massaged his shoulder affectionately.

"Nice to see you again, ___(E)___. I met my wife down in the lobby, and she tells me you are going to help me with this book of mine. Fine. Splendid. Capital. Listen, ___(E)___, little matter I want to take up with you. Can you lend me five hundred pounds?"

As one of the only two really moneyed members of the Drones Club – Oofy Prosser was the other – ___(E)___ had often been given the opportunity of coming to the rescue of financially embarrassed friends and acquaintances, and the urge of these to share his wealth had never occasioned him astonishment, but this was the first time a multi-millionaire had expressed a desire to get into his ribs and he gazed at Mr. ____(D)___ with what the poet Keats would have called a wild surmise, his eyes widening to the dimensions of regulation golf balls.

"Eh?" was all he could say, and he had some difficulty saying that.

4. (Our would-be borrower in this example receives the raspberry, which isn't quite what he was in quest of.)

"Hullo, ___(F)___, old man!" he said. "How are you, ___(F)___, old man? I say, ___(F)___, old man, I do like that tie you're wearing. What I call something like a tie. Quite the snappiest thing I've seen for years and years and years and years. I wish I could get ties like that. But then, of course, I haven't your exquisite taste. What I've always said about you, ___(F)___, old man, and what I always will say, is that you
have the most extraordinary flair – it amounts to genius in the selection of ties. But, then, one must bear in mind that anything would look well on you, because you have such a clean-cut, virile profile. I met a man the other day who said to me: `I didn't know Ronald Colman was in England.' And I said `He isn't.' And he said: `But I saw you talking to him outside the Blotto Kitten.' And I said: `That wasn't Ronald Colman. That was my pal – the best pal any man ever had ___(F)___.' And he said: `Well, I never saw such a remarkable resemblance.' And I said: `Yes, there is a great resemblance, only, of course, ___(F)___ is much the better-looking.' And this fellow said: `___(F)___? Is that the ____(F)___, the man whose name you hear everywhere?' And I said: `Yes, and I'm proud to call him my friend. I don't suppose,' I said, `there's another fellow in London in such demand. Duchesses clamour for him, and, if you ask a princess to dinner, you have to add: `To meet ___(F)___' or she won't come. This,' I explained, `is because, in addition to being the handsomest and best-dressed man in Mayfair, he is famous for his sparkling wit and keen – but always kindly – repartee. And yet, in spite of all, he remains simple, unspoilt, unaffected.' Will you lend me twenty quid, ___(F)___, old man?"

"No," said ___(F)___.

Round 177 - 2 February 2004

Crocodiles and Alligators

Most of us do not move in the same social circles as crocodiles and alligators, but several of Wodehouse's characters do. Indeed, Jane Hubbard once shared her tent with an alligator, and one of the people below also has an alligator as a room-mate.

1. If you will take down your copy of A__'s "My Sporting Memories" from its shelf and turn to page 51, you will find a passage describing in some detail the reactions of the author, at that time a novice to conditions on the Dark Continent, on discovering, while swimming in the River Limpopo, that mixed bathing regulations were in vogue there and that his dip was being shared by a couple of young crocodiles. It is a powerful piece of word-painting, leaving no doubt in the reader's mind that the narrator was genuinely stirred. And what seems to have impressed him most deeply was the eye of the crocodile on the left, which he describes as cold and penetrating and unfriendly.

Name the author of "My Sporting Memories."

2. "That chapter about the crocodile," said B__. "I don't know if you remember it. That impressed me enormously. I had always been uneasily conscious that if I saw a crocodile lying on a sand bank, I should not know what to do, and I was rather ashamed of myself, because it is a thing that every young man ought to know."

Name the speaker, the book in which he found this nugget of information, and the book's author.

3. "That," she said, "is C__, my alligator."

"Your what?"

"Alligator. Don't you know what an alligator is? Oh, well, you will another time."

The clearing up of the mystery did nothing to soothe D__.

"Alligator? What on earth is the idea of having the place alive with alligators? What's the bally thing doing in a civilized state-room?" ...

"It's just a Press stunt. My Press agent thought it would help the general composition. He wavered at one time between it and a mongoose, and then he wavered between it and my being at heart a simple little home body who was never so happy as when among her books, but in the end he cast his vote on the alligator ticket, and I'm glad he did, because an alligator is certainly value for money. Yessir, believe it or not. It's publicity of the right sort, and nobody who has not had personal experience of travelling around with an alligator in a little wickerwork basket, can have any conception of the amount of quiet fun there is to be got out of it."

Name the alligator and its owner.

4. "He comes from Brazil, I hear."

"Yes, like Charley's Aunt. But –" Here E__'s voice took on a grave note, "– on no account mention Brazil to him, if you don't mind. It was the scene of the great tragedy of his life. His young wife fell into the Amazon and was eaten by an alligator."

"How dreadful!"

"For her, yes, though not of course for the alligator."

Name the two speakers and the alleged bereaved widower they are discussing.

Round 178 - 13 February 2004

Second Annual Valentine's Day Quiz

To celebrate Valentine's Day on the 14th, we have a quartet of passages on the divine emotion – love – by the author of such beautiful amatory similes as (of Sidney McMurdo and Agnes Flack) "They fell into an embrace like a couple of mastodons clashing in a primeval swamp".

1."Look at newts. During the courting season the male newt is brilliantly coloured. It helps him a lot."

"But you aren't a male newt."

"I wish I were. Do you know how a male newt proposes, A__? He just stands in front of the female newt vibrating his tail and bending his body in a semi-circle. I could do that on my head. No, you wouldn't find me grousing if I were a male newt."

"But if you were a male newt, B__ wouldn't look at you. Not with the eye of love, I mean."

"She would, if she were a female newt."

"But she isn't a female newt."

"No, but suppose she was."

"Well, if she was, you wouldn't be in love with her."

"Yes, I would, if I were a male newt."

A slight throbbing about the temples told me that this discussion had reached saturation point.

Identify the would-be newt and B, the non-newtess.

2."I came here thinking that you loved me ..."

"So I do."

"What!"

"Madly. Devotedly."

"Then why the dickens do I find you betrothed to this blighted C__?"

D__ sighed.

"It's the old, old story."

"What's the old, old story?"

"This is. It's all so simple, if you'd only understand. I don't suppose any girl ever worshipped a man as I worship you, E__, but Father hasn't a bean .... Oh, E__," said the girl, her voice trembling, "why haven't you money? If you only had the merest pittance – enough for a flat in Mayfair and a little weekend place in the country somewhere and a couple of good cars and a villa in the South of France and a bit of trout fishing on some decent river, I would risk all for love. But as it is ..."

Identify the possessors of the sundered hearts.

3.She sensibly reminded herself that it is fruitless ever to try to find the answer to a question of this sort. Love, as a thinker once said, is blind, and these things have to be accepted. She supposed that somebody like F__ would seek in vain for an explanation of why she loved his nephew G__. H__ was still staring.

"Bessie!" he gasped again, and ran a finger round the inside of his collar, as he must have done a hundred times when registering agitation on the stage. "Is it you?"

"It's me. Pick up those damned snakes," said I__ briskly.

J__, who had sometimes wondered what lovers say when meeting after long separation, felt that now she knew.

Name H and I (I's full name, not just "Bessie"). For extra credit, name three of H's snakes.

4."On such a day," said K__, "the mind seems to turn irresistibly to love."

"Love?" said Charlotte, her heart beginning to flutter.

"Love," said K__. "Tell me, Miss L__, have you ever thought of Love?"

He took her hand. Her head was bent, and with the toe of her dainty shoe she toyed with a passing snail.

"Life, Miss L__," said K__, "is a Sahara through which we all must pass ... But sometimes in the Sahara of Life, if we are fortunate, we come upon the Oasis of Love. That oasis, when I had all but lost hope, I reached at one-fifteen on the afternoon on Tuesday, the twenty-second of last month. There comes a time in the life of every man when he sees Happiness beckoning to him and must grasp it. Miss L__, I have something to ask you which I have been trying to ask you ever since the day when we two first met. Miss L__ ... Charlotte ... Will you be my ... Gosh! Look at that whacking great rat! Loo-loo-loo-loo-loo-loo-loo-loo!" said K__, changing the subject.

Name these two lovers (with L's full name).

Round 179 - 23 February 2004

Parental Consent

Though Wodehouse's lovers have often been kept apart by interfering parents and aunts, by the last page many of these, vowing they would ne'er consent, consented--though in some cases under pressure. Identify the following consenters.

1. A low wail from the other side of the door answered him.

"Of course," said A__ suggestively, "if it were my future mother-in-law who was speaking, her word would naturally be law."

There was a silence outside.

"Very well," said B__.

"I may marry C__?"

"You may."

A__ unbolted the door.

"Come – Mother," he said, in a soft, kindly voice ...

B__ was still shaken.

"I hope I have acted for the best," she said.

"You have," said A__.

"You will make C__ a good husband?"

"Grade A," A__ assured her.

"Well, even if you don't," said B__ resignedly, "I can't go to bed without that book."

Name A and B, and explain how A has persuaded B to consent (despite having previously informed her that he would marry her daughter if he could "obtain her foul mother's consent").

2. "Oh, no, do come with us, D__," said E__ winningly. She drew closer to him. "D__, is it really true that you hit that policeman in the eye?"

"Yes."

"Tell me about it."

"Well, he was trying to arrest me, so I threw a table-cloth over his head and then plugged him a couple of rather juicy ones which made him leave go."

E__'s eyes glistened. She put her arm through his.

"D__," she said, "I have misjudged you. I could wish F__ no better husband."

Name E and D, who has come up with such an infallible method of ingratiating himself with E.

3. "G__," said H__ formally, "I have the honour to ask you for your daughter's hand. I am only a poor poet ..."

"How poor?" asked the other, keenly.

"I was referring to my Art," explained H__. "Financially, I am nicely fixed. I could support I__ in modest comfort."

"Then take her, my boy, take her."

Name G and H, and explain why G approves of H, aside from his financial fixedness. What does H do shortly afterwards to earn G's even greater gratitude?

4. "They'll murder you, dear!" panted J__, clinging to her arm.

K__ laughed.

"Murder me!" she said amusedly. "I'd like to catch them at it!"

J__ stood staring at the door as K__ closed it softly behind her.

"L__," she said solemnly, "that is a wonderful girl!"

"Yes! She once killed a panther – or a puma, I forget which – with a hat-pin!" said L__ with enthusiasm.

"I could wish you no better wife!" said J__.

Name J, the consenting mother.

5. "Mr. M__," he said. "May I have a word with you?"

"A thousand," replied M__, beaming on his benefactor, for whom it was plain that he had now taken a fancy amounting to adoration. "But later on, if you don't mind. I have to run like a ..."

"Mr. M__, I love your daughter."

"So do I," said M__. "Very nice girl."

"I want to marry her."

"Well, why don't you?"

"You will give your consent?"

A kindly smile flickered over my old friend's face. He looked at his watch again, then patted N__ affectionately on the shoulder.

Who gives parental consent to the marriage in this story?

Round 180 - 2 March 2004

Avuncular Consent

After last week's quiz involving mothers and fathers giving consent, this week we give equal time to uncles giving in-loco-parental consent.

1. "The whole thing is quite absurd and utterly out of the question. I refuse to consider the idea for an instant."

"But what have you got against A__? ... He's marvellous at tennis."

"I dare say he is. But that is not a reason why he should marry my niece. What means has he, if any, beyond his stipend?"

"About five hundred a year."

"Tchah!"

"Well, I don't call that bad. Five hundred's pretty good sugar, if you ask me. Besides, money doesn't matter."

"It matters a great deal."

"You really feel that, do you?"

"Certainly. You must be practical."

"Right ho, I will. If you'd rather I married for money, I'll marry for money. B__, it's on. Start getting measured for the wedding trousers ... Of course, B__ dear, I am only marrying you to make you happy. I can never love you as I love A__. But as Uncle C__ has taken this violent prejudice against him –"

Old C__ hit the paper fastener again, but this time didn't seem to notice it.

"My dear child, don't talk such nonsense. You are quite mistaken. You must have completely misunderstood me. I have no prejudice against this young man A__. I like and respect him. If you really think your happiness lies in becoming his wife, I would be the last man to stand in your way. By all means, marry him. The alternative –"

He said no more, but gave me a long, shuddering look.

Name the uncle and niece.

2. "Very well," he said at length. "I consent. I do it with the utmost reluctance, for the idea of you marrying that ... that ... how shall I describe him ... well, never mind, you know what I mean ... chills me to the marrow. But I have no alternative. I cannot do without D__'s cooking."

"You shall have it."

"And furthermore," said E__, shooting up from behind the desk and causing F__ to quiver like a smitten jelly, "you shall have all the cigars you want. I have a box of fifty – or, rather, forty-nine – upstairs in my room and I give them to you freely. And after breakfast tomorrow I will show you a spot in the shrubbery where you can smoke your head off without fear of detection."

F__ drew a deep breath. His eyes glowed with a strange light. His chins vibrated again, but this time with ecstasy. He said a few words in Cape Dutch, then, seeing that his companions had missed the gist, he obligingly translated.

"G__," he said, "I could wish you no better husband. He is, as you were telling me, one of the baa-lambs and in my opinion by no means the worst of them. I think you will be very happy."

Name this uncle and niece.

3. "You're talking too much again."

"I'm sorry."

"Fight against this tendency, my boy. It's your only fault."

"Would you say that?"

"I would. Except for that disposition of yours to collar the conversation and not give anyone else the chance to say a dashed word, you're a very fine young feller and there's nobody I'd sooner see my niece married to."

"It's awfully good of you to say so."

"Not at all. The thought of her wasting herself on a chap who goes about with his head on one side and his hand on his hip, telling people to take the table out of the dining-room because it doesn't harmonize with the wall-paper, was agony to me. She'll be all right now. You're just the husband for her."

Again, name the uncle and niece.

4. "What I wanted to say was that if you were not a damn fool, that's the sort of girl you would be in love with."

"I am."

"A damn fool?"

"No. In love with that girl."

"What! You have fallen in love with H__? Already?"

"I have."

"Well, that's the quickest thing I ever saw. What about your beaming goldfish?"

"Oh, that's all over. A mere passing boyish fancy."

I__ took a deep swig at his cooling drink, and regarded him in silence for a moment.

"Well," he said at length, breathing heavily, "if that's the airy, casual way in which you treat life's most sacred emotions, the sooner you are safely settled down, the better. If you're allowed to run around loose much longer, indulging those boyish fancies of yours, I foresee the breach of promise case of the century ... You get that sweet, refined, most-suitable-in-all-respects girl to marry you, and I'll hand over that money of yours, every penny of it."

"I will start at once."

"Heaven speed your wooing," said I__.

Name the uncle, the nephew, the girl he loves (H), and the goldfish girl.

5. He had hopped to the desk and with feverish fingers was fumbling in the top drawer.

"J__, you are not to do this!"

"I certainly am going to do it," said J__, testing a pen with his thumb.

"Does this miserable pig mean more to you than your nephew's whole future?"

"Of course it does," said J__, surprised at the foolish question. "Besides, what's wrong with his future? His future's all right. He's going to marry this nice little girl here; I forget her name."

No points for identifying the uncle; to get full credit, name the nephew, the girl whose name the uncle has forgotten, and the title of the novel or story from which this passage comes.