Almost Entirely About Flower-pots

1. "How are you at recognizing a flower-pot when you see one, A__?"

"I am thoroughly familiar with flower-pots. If, as I suppose, you mean those sort of pot things they put flowers in."

"That's exactly what I do mean. All right, then. Grab an armful of these flower-pots and go round the conservatory till you come to a tree ..."

2. B__ stood holding his breath, his furtive little eyes darting about the handsomely appointed lounging place in which he stood. He was alone at last, but there was no saying how long this privacy would continue ... And now his eye was attracted by two small windows, with flowerpots on their sills.

3. I remember reading in one of those historical novels once about a chap ... who, when people said the wrong thing, merely laughed down from lazy eyelids and flicked a speck of dust from the irreproachable Mechlin lace at his wrists. This was practically what I did now. At least, I straightened my tie and smiled one of those inscrutable smiles of mine. I then withdrew and went out for a saunter in the garden.

And the first chap I ran into was young C__. His brow was furrowed, and he was moodily bunging stones at a flowerpot.

4. "Wouldn't you like to get a good education, D__," she said perseveringly, "and become a great poet and write wonderful poems?"

D__considered the point, and shook his head.

"No, m'lady."

It was discouraging. But E__ was a girl of pluck ... She picked up another book from the stone seat.

"Read me some of this," she said, "and then tell me if it doesn't make you feel you want to do big things."

D__ took the book cautiously ... He regarded the open page with disfavour ...

"Wiv bleakest morse the flower-ports
Was – I mean were – crusted one and orl ..."

5. Exactly what the harvest would have been, had nothing occurred to interfere with the old gentleman's plans, it is hard to say. Buy by great good fortune he tripped over a flower-pot while he was still out of jabbing distance and came an impressive purler.

6. In the matter of marrying again both F__ and G__ had given her the green light, and there was consequently no obstacle in her path.

There appeared, however, to be one in the path leading to the rustic seat, for at this moment there floated to her through the silent night the sound of a strong man tripping over a flowerpot. It was followed by some pungent remarks in Swahili, and H__ limped up, rubbing his shin.

Round 372 - 8 October 2008

Vases

With an impassioned gesture he sent a flower-vase crashing to the floor.
– The Coming of Bill, Chapter 2

"Oh, I say, Bertie!" he said suddenly, dropping a vase which he had picked off the mantelpiece and was fiddling with.
– "Bingo and the Little Woman"

I called him to order with a sharp rap of a china vase on the mantelpiece. "I get the idea," I said, brushing the fragments into the fireplace.
– The Code of the Woosters, Chapter 11

Life is not easy for vases in Wodehouse's works. Identify the following passages.

1. My own friends, advising me, would undoubtedly have recommended an immediate departure at this point, and looking back, I can see that where I went wrong was in pausing to hit the bulge which, from the remarks that were coming through at this spot, I took to be A__'s head, with a china vase that stood on the mantelpiece not far from where the Infant Samuel had been. It was a strategical error. I got home all right and the vase broke into a dozen pieces, which was all to the good – for the more of the property of a man like B__ that was destroyed, the better – but the action of dealing this buffet caused me to overbalance.

2. And then suddenly hope dawned. Behind C__'s menacing form he perceived that his D__ had stolen silently into the room, and – what was so particularly reassuring – she was carrying in her hand a good stout vase.

From hard-won experience, E__ knew what his loved one could do with a vase. And this was a particularly large, hard, thick, solid vase, in every way superior to the one which a year ago she had bounced on his own head. It was one of those vases which a Zulu chieftain would have been perfectly satisfied to make shift with while his knobkerrie was being cleaned at the club-maker's ...

There was a sound like the collision of two heavy pieces of wood, and C__ slid to the floor.

3. It was at this point in the proceedings that the antique vase, suddenly becoming a thing of movement, fell with a crash on the pavement at her side, and she gave a little scream and postponed her observations.

F__ was blaming himself bitterly. He should have known better, he was telling himself, than to have come within a hundred yards of G__ and an antique vase, one of the most dangerous combinations in existence, especially when in the company of H__.

4. Besides, J__ was at his home nursing a sick headache, which meant that negotiations would have to be conducted over the telephone, and you cannot swing a thing like that by remote control. You want the pleading eye and the little pats on the arm.

No, that was no good, and there appeared to be nothing to be done except groan hollowly, and he was doing this when the door opened and the maid announced, "Mr and Mrs J__."

As they entered, K__, who was pacing the room with unseeing eyes, knocked over a table with a vase, three photograph frames and a bowl of potpourri on it. It crashed to the floor with a noise like a bursting shell, and J__ soared silently to the ceiling.

5. "But how did you explain the bump on his head?"

"I informed him that your new vase had fallen on him, sir."

"Why on earth would he believe that? The vase would have been smashed."

"The vase was smashed, sir."

"What!"

"In order to achieve verisimilitude, I was reluctantly compelled to break it, sir. And in my excitement, sir, I am sorry to say I broke it beyond repair."

Bonus point: Name a Wodehouse character who has ears like the handles of an old Greek vase. (There are at least two of them, but one name will get you full credit.)

Round 373 - 16 October 2008

Happy Birthday, Plum!

As we celebrate Sir Pelham’s 127th birthday this week, let’s focus on birthday celebrations in the canon. A similar theme appeared in this space on October 15 three or four years ago and, in order to avoid duplication with that quiz, this week’s offering will omit the birthday jollifications of Lord Belpher, the Kid Clementina, Algernon Aubrey Little, Veronica Wedge and William Bannister.

1. The actual birthdays are known for at least four characters, including the absent party in Question #2. Or, to be more precise and to avoid possible quibbling, the exact date of the birthday celebrations are known for at least four characters. Can you provide us with the birthdays (or dates of the birthday parties) for:

(a) George Cyril Wellbeloved,

(b) James “Corky” Corcoran and

(c) Reginald “Pongo” Twistleton?

2. It certainly was quite a letter. There was not much of it, but it was all to the point.

This is what it said:

“My dear __(D)__, – I am going away. When you care enough about me to remember to wish me many happy returns on my birthday, I will come back. My address will be Box 341, London Morning News.”

(…)

I read it twice, then I said, “Well, why don’t you (…) wish her many happy returns? It doesn’t seem much to ask.”

“But she says on her birthday.”

“Well, when is her birthday?”

“Can’t you understand?” said __(D)___. “ I’ve forgotten (…) I know it came somewhere between the first of January and the thirty-first of December. That’s how near I get to it.”

3. “Well, I'll tell you, old man, though I don't want it to go any farther, that I'm a bit worried about my jolly old father-in-law. I believe he's about to go in off the deep-end. I think he's cracking under the strain. Dashed weird his behaviour has been the last few days (…) The other morning (…) he suddenly picked up a whacking big paper-weight and bunged it for all he was worth."

"At you?"

"Not at me. That was the rummy part of it. At a mosquito on the wall, he said. Well, I mean to say, do chappies bung paper-weights at mosquitoes? I mean, is it done?"

"Smash anything?"

"Curiously enough, no. But he only just missed a rather decent picture which __(E)__ had given him for his birthday. Another foot to the left and it would have been a goner.”

4. One evening when they had gone out into the garden together to look at the new moon – __(F)__, by his mother’s advice wearing a woollen scarf to protect his throat, – he endeavoured to bring the conversation round to the important subject. __(G)__’s last remark had been about earwigs. Considered as a cue, it lacked a subtle something; but __(F)__ was not the man to be discouraged by that.

“Talking of earwigs, Miss __(G)__,” he said, in a low musical voice, “have you ever been in love?”

__(G)__ was silent for a moment before replying.

“Yes, once. When I was eleven. With a conjurer who came to perform at my birthday-party. He took a rabbit and two eggs out of my hair, and life seemed one grand sweet song.”

Round 374 - 29 October 2008

Mumps!

All the nibs agree – Wodehouse wrote about things he knew about. Public schools, country houses, London clubs, domestic servants, golf, Hollywood studio executives, chorus girls, backstage on Broadway, prohibition in America – and – mumps. Possibly because Wodehouse suffered from the disease as a young man, I can think of at least two dozen mumps-sufferers or alleged mumps-sufferers in the canon, not counting a few, like little Bootles Kegworthy and the inmates of Sing-Sing prison, who remain offstage and so don’t actually appear in the canon.

1. “I thought it was you playing that infernal instrument, __(A)__.”

“What on earth should I play it for at this time of night?” asked Mr __(A)__ irritably.

“It woke me up,” said Mr __(B)__ complainingly. “And I had had great difficulty in dropping off to sleep. I was in considerable pain. I believe I’ve caught the mumps from young __(C)__.”

“Nonsense! You’re always imagining yourself ill,” snapped Mr __(A)__.

“My face hurts,” persisted Mr __(B)___.

“You can’t expect a face like that not to hurt,” said Mr __(A)__.

2. “I took the rest of the day thinking it over, and this morning wangled leave from the office and got the car out and came down here to tell you (…) that, whatever we do, we mustn’t let this thing break our old friendship.”

“Of course not. Damn silly idea.”

“It’s such a very old friendship.”

“I don’t know when I’ve met an older.”

“We were boys together.”

“In Eton jackets and pimples.”

“Exactly. And more like brothers than anything. I would share my last bar of almond rock with you, and you would cut me in fifty-fifty on your last bag of acid drops. When you had mumps, I caught them from you, and when I had measles, you caught them from me. Each helping each. So we must carry on regardless, just as if this had not happened.”

3. The keen blue eyes grew keener and bluer.

“__(D)__,” said Colonel __(E)__ in a strange, quiet voice, “I have known that little girl since she was a tiny child. For years she has been all in all to me. Her father died in my arms and with his last breath bade me see that no harm came to his darling. I have nursed her through mumps, measles – aye, and chicken-pox – and I live but for her happiness.” He paused, with a significance that made __(D)__’s toes curl. “__(D)__,” he said “do you know what I would do to any man who trifled with that little girl’s affections?” He reached in his hip pocket and an ugly-looking revolver glittered in the sunlight. “I would shoot him like a dog.”

(…)

“But tut!” he said in a kindlier tone. “I am doing you an injustice, my boy. I know it. (…) Go to her, my boy. Later on you may have something to tell me. You will find me in the strawberry beds.”

4. “And now go and send her another telegram. Keep on sending telegrams. Leave nothing to chance. Send a dozen and pitch it strong. Say that __(name of house)__ is ravaged with disease. Not merely scarlet fever. Scarlet fever and mumps. Not to mention housemaid's knee, diabetes, measles, shingles and the botts.”

5. A man with a face like a walnut, who had hitherto lurked unseen behind a stout person in a serge suit, bobbed into the open, and spoke his piece.

“Where’s this fellow __(F)__? __(F)__. That’s the man we want to see. I’ve been working for this paper without a break, except when I had the mumps, for four years, and I’ve reason to know that my page was as widely read and appreciated as any in New York. And now up comes this __(F)__ fellow, if you please, and tells me in so many words the paper’s got no use for me.”

6. “She must have accepted him from some sort of passing whim, and it was vital that he refrained from doing anything to make her think it over and regret. And he goes and tells her he’s got mumps. Mumps! Of all infernal, loathsome things. How long do you think that girl is going to cherish her dream of a knightly lover when every time she thinks of him it is to picture a hideous object with a face like a football, probably with flannel wrapped around it? I shouldn’t wonder if she isn’t weakening already. (…) It’s maddening. When there are a dozen things he could have told her. That’s what makes my blood boil. I could have suggested a hundred alternatives. (…) But, no! He has to go and say that he’s swelling horribly in bed at his flat.”

Round 375 - 7 November 2008

Sound Effects

A few days ago the undersigned was scratching his head trying to think of a topic for this week’s quiz when he stumbled across the excerpt chosen for Question #1 and thought of the old Jack Benny television and radio programmes when the voice of the great Mel Blanc provided the sputtering, wheezing and coughing sounds of Mr Benny’s ancient car. And the thought came that a great many Wodehouse characters are capable of giving the late Mr Blanc a run for his money in the Sound Effects Department.

1. The woman was making rummy stuttering sounds. __(A)__ tells me he once had a Pommery Seven which used to express itself in much the same way if you tried to get it to take a hill on high. A sort of mixture of gurgles and explosions.

2. “I know very little of you, true, but anyone the mention of whose name can make Father swallow his lunch the wrong way cannot be wholly bad.”

At last managing to free my tongue from the uvula with which it had become entangled, I found speech, as I dare say those Darien fellows did eventually.

“But I don’t understand!”

“What don’t you understand?”

“I thought you were going to marry __(B)__.”

She uttered a sound rather like an elephant taking its foot out of a mudhole in a Burmese teak forest. The name appeared to have touched an exposed nerve.

3. __(C)__ carved the ham with the polished elegance which marked all his actions, and silence fell upon the room, broken only by a crackling sound like a forest fire, as __(D)__ champed his toast. The gorilla-jawed man could get a certain amount of noise-response even out of mashed potatoes, but it was when eating toast that you caught him at his best.

4. Which Wodehouse character has been known to make a noise “like a thousand eager men drinking soup in a foreign restaurant” while dining?

5. For a bonus point, can you identify the absent Aunt _(E)_ in this question?

“Say, cull, you tell your Aunt __(E)__ to make a noise like an ice-cream in the sun and melt away. She’s a prune and what she says don’t go. (…) They’ve been fooling you, kid. They saw you were easy, so they handed it to you on a plate. I’m the guy that can put you wise about microbes.”

6. And for another bonus point, the orchestra of which London night club serenades its customers with the following sound effects?

A sound like the sudden descent of an iron girder on a sheet of tin, followed by a jangling of bells, a wailing of tortured cats, and the noise of a few steam-riveters at work, announced to their trained ears that the music had begun. Sweeping her to him with a violence which, attempted in any other place, would have earned him a sentence of thirty days coupled with some strong remarks from the Bench, __(F)__ began to push her yielding form through the sea of humanity till they reached the centre of the whirlpool. (…)

“This,” murmured the girl with closed eyes, “is divine.”

“What?” bellowed __(F)__, for the orchestra, in addition to ringing bells, had now begun to howl like wolves at dinner-time.

Round 376 - 17 November 2008

What Goes Up, etc.

Some of you may have noticed during the last few weeks that the world’s financial markets have been lurching and staggering around rather like a Drone on Boat-Race Night. Which brings us to this week’s Quiz theme.

1. It was the following day that the roof started to fall in, but it wasn’t till October twenty-fourth that the floor gave way and the two authors began to wonder how far down bottom was. Each hour the seismographs registered a further shock. Auburn Auto, in which they both had holdings, dropped sixty points in one day. After that bit of news came through, things got blurred and there seemed to be a general impression that Judgment Day had set in with unusual severity. Looking over one’s shoulder one would not have been surprised to see a brace of those great beasts with an unnecessary number of heads, as described in the Book of Revelation, flexing their muscles before starting in to do their stuff.

__(A)__ and __(B)___ closed the door of their Brill Building office with the knowledge that they would never have need to return. They pressed the “down” button. The elevator that stopped at their floor was miraculously empty.
“That’s funny,” said __(B)__.

“Not at all,” said __(A)__. “Everybody is using the windows.”

2. “(….) Odd, this neurotic tendency in the American business man. Can you account for it? No? I can. Too much coffee.”

“Coffee?”

“That and the New Deal. Over in America, it appears, life for the business man is one long series of large cups of coffee, punctuated with shocks from the New Deal. He drinks a quart of coffee, and gets a nasty surprise from the New Deal. To pull himself together, he drinks another quart of coffee, and along comes another nasty surprise from the New Deal. He staggers off, calling feebly for more coffee, and … Well, you see what I mean. Vicious circle. No nervous system could stand it.”

3. (…) the next thing he remembers is waking up in the back premises of some sort of pub or hostelry with nothing on his person except a five-cent stamp, two balloons, three champagne corks, and a rattle.

This evidence of a well-spent evening pleased him a good deal. He popped the balloons, rattled the rattle for a while, and then, feeling that he had better collect a little loose cash for the day’s expenses, toddled off to the bank to draw a cheque.

And conceive his emotion when, arriving there, he found that the bank had closed its doors. There they were, both of them, shut as tight as oysters. Too late, he remembered now having read in the papers that this sort of thing was happening all the time in New York.

4. “When I knew __(C)__ fifteen years ago in New York, he was a man with a glittering future, and for a time, I understand, he did do extremely well. But that’s all in the past. He’s gone right under. (…) I have friends in New York who keep me posted from time to time about the fellows I used to know there, and they have told me his whole story. He’s down to his last dollar, and his bankruptcy may be expected at any moment. You know how it is with these American financiers. They over-extend themselves. They bite off more than they can chew, and then comes the inevitable smash. A fiver means a lot to __(C)__ at this moment. A tenner was what he wanted just now, and I gave it to him, poor devil. I hadn’t the heart to refuse. This is strictly between you and me, of course, and I wouldn’t like it to be spread about, but I thought I ought to warn you about him.”

__(D)__’s eyes were protruding like a snail’s. His moustache was in a constant state of activity. (…)

“Warn me? If the feller thinks he’s going to get tuppence out of me, he’ll be disappointed.”

5. “I’ve just had a cable from Chicago, from your grand-pop. He’s been trying to corner wheat. He always was an impulsive old gazook.”

“But surely,” said __(E)__, a dim recollection of something he had heard or read somewhere coming to him, “isn’t cornering wheat a rather profitable process?”

“Sure,” said his mother. “Sure it is. I guess dad’s try at cornering wheat was about the most profitable thing that ever happened – to the other fellows. It seems like they got busy and clubbed fifty-seven varieties of Hades out of your old grand-pop. He’s got to give up a lot of expensive habits, and one of them is sending money to us. That’s how it is.”

6. “Well, what I say to you, __(F)__ – and I say it very seriously as an older, wiser and better-looking man – is this,” Mr __(G)__ drew thoughtfully at the fountain-pen for a moment. “I say to you, __(F)__, be very careful, when you marry, that you have money of your own. And, having money of your own, keep it. Never be dependent on your wife for the occasional little sums which even the most prudent man requires to see him through the day. Take my case. When I married, I was a wealthy man. I had money of my own. Lots of it. I was beloved by all, being generous to a fault. I bought my wife – I am speaking now of my first wife – a pearl necklace that cost fifty thousand dollars.”

He cocked a bright eye at __(F)__, and __(F)__, feeling that comment was required, said that it did him credit.

“Not credit,” said Mr __(G)__. “Cash. Cold cash. Fifty thousand dollars of it. And what happened? Shortly after I married again I lost all my money through unfortunate speculation on the Stock Exchange and became absolutely dependent on my second wife. And that is why you see me to-day, __(F)__, a broken man.”

Round 377 - 26 November 2008

Mostly about Ankles

In one of his Berlin broadcasts, Wodehouse reported:

"There were certain fatigues, like acting as a server at meals and working in the cookhouse, which were warmly competed for. For these, you got double rations. But the only reward of the ordinary chore, like hauling coal, was the joy of labor. I suppose a really altruistic young man after he had put in an hour or two hauling coal, would have been all pepped up by the thought that he had been promoting the happiness of the greatest number, but I never heard one of our toilers talk along these lines. It was more usual to hear them say, speaking with a good deal of feeling, that, next time their turn came along, they were ruddy well going to sprain an ankle and report sick."

Ankles bitten by dogs, sprained ankles, kicked ankles, tickled ankles etc. Ankle problems abound in the canon. Please identify these sufferers.

1. "And of course there was the fiver."

"What fiver?"

"I got a fiver from the Weekly Cyclist for getting my ankle sprained."

"You – what?" cried _A_, profoundly stirred – as ever – by a tale of easy money.

2. "How do you do?" said_B_.

"I'm fine," said _C_. "How are you?"

"I am in robust health, I thank you."

"Splendid! Nothing wrong with the ankles, eh?"

_B_ glanced down at them and seemed satisfied with this section of his lower limbs, even though they were draped in white socks.

"Nothing, thank you."

"So many clergymen nowadays," explained _C_ , "are falling off chairs and spraining them."

3. I think I have mentioned that I once won a Choir Boys handicap at some village sports – and I can testify that when you are riding without your hands, privacy and a complete freedom from interruption are of the essence. The merest suggestion of an unexpected Scottie connecting with the ankle-bone at such a time, and you swoop into a sudden swerve. And as everybody knows, if the hands are not firmly on the handle bars, a sudden swerve spells a smeller.

And so it happened now, A smeller – and among the finest I have ever been privileged to witness – was what this officer of the law came. One moment, he was with us all merry and bright; the next, he was in the ditch, a sort of macédoine of arms and legs and wheels, with the terrier standing on the edge, looking down at him with that rather offensive expression of virtuous smugness which I have often noticed on the faces of Aberdeen terriers in their clashes with humanity.

4. I said that a jolly night's revelry might be just what was needed to cheer _D_ up and take his mind off things. To which she replied that _D_ wasn't going. On being urged to do so by _E_, she said, he had merely shaken his head sadly and gone on talking of returning to [place name omitted], where he was appreciated.

It was after the sombre silence induced by this statement that _F_ said the grass was wet and she thought she would go in.

This, of course, was entirely foreign to my policy.

"No, don't do that. I haven't had a chance to talk to you since you arrived."

"I shall ruin my shoes."

"Put your feet up on my lap."

"All right. And you can tickle my ankles."

"Quite."

5. Where does a cook sprain her ankle tripping over a cat, forcing the appearance of an understudy to produce a critical lunch?

6. Which character sprains an ankle and takes to his bed twice in two separate incidents, years apart?

For a bonus point, place the country houses associated with the incidents of #3-6 in two groups of two, and explain the criterion that separates them. Additional requirement: Claines Hall would fall in one category and Ashendon Manor in the other (neither of those stately homes appears in #3-6), making two groups of three.

Round 378 - 5 December 2008

Blue Birds, lost and found

According to Norman Murphy in A Wodehouse Handbook the association of blue birds with happiness originated with Maurice Maeterlinck's 1909 play, The Blue Bird. Characters in Wodehouse are always seeking the blue bird, failing to grasp it, and often finding it. Can you identify the following cases?

1. If _A_ had been less careworn, he might have noticed that _B_'s voice had not its customary fruity ring. It had dullness, a lack of tone. It was the voice of a butler who has lost the bluebird. But, being in the depths and in no frame of mind to analyse the voice production of butlers, he merely took the envelope from its salver and opened it listlessly, wondering what _C_ was sending him notes about.

2. To whom did this refer:

"There you are then. The People's Choice. Tails up, my dear old _D__. Provided, of course, that his sojourn in the coop has not weakened _E_ as a force, you should be hearing the warbling of the blue bird by early October at the latest. Meanwhile, switching lightly to another topic, what on earth are you doing here at this time of night?"

3. When you are standing in the dock, with a magistrate looking at you over his pince-nez ... you have ample opportunity for drinking him in, and what had struck me principally about _F_ that day at ... had been his peevishness. In that shop, on the other hand, he had given the impression of a man who has found the bluebird. He had hopped about like a carefree cat on hot bricks, exhibiting the merchandise to _G_ with little chirps of "I think _J_would like this," and "How about this?" and so forth. And now a clue to that fizziness had been provided.

4. "Capital, capital," said _A_. "Capital, capital, capital, capital."

They had scarcely gone, when there was a patter of feet and _K_ appeared.

Even in the uncertain light cast by the moon it was easy to see that _K_ was in radiant spirits. His eyes were sparkling, his whole demeanor that of a man who has found the blue bird. Whatever had passed between him and__L_, it was plain that it had acted on him like a tonic.

5. From nine-thirty till shortly after eleven it continued in this painful state of suspense. Then a key clicked in the lock, and _M_ entered, whistling gaily. Leaving the door open behind him, he switched the lights on and advanced into the room, still whistling, his whole aspect such as to create the impression that he had found the blue bird. A spectre, had one been present, would have recognized him at a glance as a young man, financially interested in a theatrical production, who had just witnessed that theatrical production laying them in the aisles and massacring them, and would probably have resolved to dig down into its ectoplasm for a ticket.

6. His feelings were mixed. He resented, and rightly, the fact of his betrothed being kissed by other men in rhododendron walks, but at the same time he could see that it was a very fortunate thing this had happened. His aunt's words had left no room for doubt that it had just done the trick as regarded the flotation of that loan.

For the last quarter of an hour, _N_ had been walking up and down beside the pond, always her refuge in times of stress, in the grip, like _P__, of mixed feelings. But, unlike him, she had not found the blue bird. Nothing was further from her mind than to hum lightheartedly.

7. "_Q_, I have an amazing story to relate."

I related my amazing story.

"And so," I concluded, we learn once again the lesson never, however dark the outlook, to despair. The storm clouds lowered, the skies were black, but now what do we see? The sun shining and the bluebird working at the old stand. _R_ wanted _S_ expunged, and it has been expunged. Voila!" I said, becoming a bit Parisian.

[several paragraphs later "Q" observes]:

"You were right about the bluebird. It's singing."

Round 379 - 13 December 2008

More on the Ankle

The quiz two rounds ago on ankles still left a lot of ankling remaining to be examined. Please identify the following ankles and anklers.

1. "Well, _A_ said, 'No, thank you!' – _B_ thinks it was 'Thank you' – and _B_ stood there for a bit, sort of talking, and then he suddenly remembered and told _A_ that you had just 'phoned that you were coming down this evening, and I think _A_ must have got a touch of cramp or something, because he gave a kind of sudden sharp groan, _B_ says, and sort of quivered all over. This made the steps wobble, of course, so _B_ dashed forward to steady them, and he doesn't know how it happened, but they suddenly seemed to sort of shut up like a pair of scissors, and the next thing he knew _A_ was sitting on the grass, not seeming to like it much, _B_ says. He had ricked his ankle a bit and shaken himself up a bit, and altogether, _B_ says, he wasn't fearfully sunny. _B_ says he thinks he may have lost ground a little."

2. It was getting on for the quiet evenfall on the morrow when after a pleasant drive through the smiling countryside I steered the two-seater in at the gates of [name of house omitted] and ankled along to inform my hostess that I had come aboard. I found her in her snuggery or den, taking it easy with a cup of tea and an Agatha Christie.

3. _X_ was on the porch when I arrived. She said would it be all right if she ankled down to the grocer's for another consignment of Crunchy Whoopsies, our guest having polished off the last lot, and I said, Oh rather, quite all right.

4. Eventually he decided to go and ask _C_ ... if she would like to come along. It would mean an uncomfortable evening. She would overflow into his seat, for she was as stout a woman as ever paled at the sight of a diet sheet and, had she been in Parliament, would have counted two on a division, but she was a lonely, or fairly lonely, widow and he felt it would be a kindly act to bring a little sunshine into her life. He ankled around, accordingly, to her house and his ring at the bell was answered by _D_ ....

Two bonus point opportunities:

A. Name a character who had her ankles kicked at Waterloo Station.

B. Who was plunged into trouble as a result of a curate's spraining his ankle tripping over a footstool in the vestry?

Round 380 - 22 December 2008

The Christmas Number

The Christmas number is quite significant to many publishers and to aspiring authors in the canon.

For one point apiece, where, in Wodehouse fiction, are the "Christmas numbers" of the following periodicals mentioned:

Variety
The Lancet
Animal Lovers' Gazette
Playboy
The Weekly Booklover.

Hints:
We offer the following three excerpts as aids to memory, with the publication and character names excised. You are invited to determine which applies to which. Only three excerpts are presented because the other two of the five publication names are clues in themselves.

a. An interviewer is described as follows:

And so it came about that when a "Chat with _A_ " was needed for the Christmas Special Number, it was of _B_ that his editor thought first.

b. A location is described as follows:

_C_'s Vaudeville days lay in the quite recent past, and a pile of miscellaneous junk from his old office occupied a large part of one of the walls. There were great bundles of newspapers, most of them copies of the Christmas issue of __X__, containing _C_'s advertised seasonal greetings to all artists everywhere. There were a few mouldy box files, part of a stray, bespangled costume, and even a ballet dancer's slipper. Except for a huge and obviously new desk, slightly filmed with dust, the pile was the most prominent object in the room.

c. A wife makes the comment:

"My husband wouldn't have the nerve to cheat on me if you brought him all the girls in the Christmas number of _Y_asleep on a chair."

For the Christmas Bonus Point, apply your brain cells to these Christmas numbers. Partial credit will be granted.

What time in the morning is too early to ring someone up and ask whether "Merry Christmas" is a good title?

Let that hour equal K.

Locate the house number of the West Dulwich home of the businessman who is described by a young acquaintance thus:

"On two separate occasions he has said good morning to me, and once, round about Christmas time, I received a distinct impression that he was within an ace of offering me a cigar. But he's a queer bird. Years of exporting and importing have warped his mind a bit, with the result that for some reason I can't pretend to understand he appears to look on me as a sort of waster. The first thing he did when I ankled in and told him that subject to his approval I was about to marry his daughter was to ask me how I earned my living."

Let the house number equal L.

When a character who is described thus:

"his general appearance was that of a clean-shaven Santa Claus, and he was looking now more like Santa Claus than ever. Bubbling over with good will and joie de vivre. He couldn't have been chirpier if he had just seen the heavily backed favourite in the big race stub its toe on a fence and come a purler."

sells an object what price does the customer pay him for it (in pounds)?

Let that price equal M.

How many roses are involved in the presentation that inspires this response?

"You and your long-stemmed roses! It would take more than long-stemmed roses to change my view that you're a despicable cowardly custard and a disgrace to a proud family. Your ancestors fought in the Crusades and were often mentioned in despatches, and you cringe like a salted snail at the thought of appearing as Santa Claus before an audience of charming children who wouldn't hurt a fly."

Let the number of roses equal N.

Someone, not a Wodehouse character, is reported to receive a 'Smoker's Ideal Comrade' as a Christmas gift. If this was true and Comrade the correct name of the gadget how old was he when he received that gift?

Let his age in years equal P.

On a memorable afternoon at Mitching Hill Pongo's Uncle Fred is pleased to hear that Julia is expected, because, "then we shall have a bridge S".

Finally, two characters play parts in this scene observed from a window:

The young man seemed to undergo a brief inward struggle – then he felt in his pocket, pressed a coin into the out-stretched palm, and passed on.

It was a pretty, heart-warming little scene, the sort of thing you see in full-page pictures in the Christmas numbers, but the only emotion it excited in the bosoms of the two Beans who had witnessed it from the window of the smoking room was amazement.

"Well, stap my vitals," said the first Bean. "If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes I wouldn't have believed it."

"Nor me," said the second Bean.

"Believed what?" asked a Crumpet, who had come up behind them.

This scene first appeared in the Christmas issue of a certain magazine. The Christmas number of the same magazine two years earlier featured the young man of the scene in a different tale, trying to raise a certain amount of money. Let the number of letters in the name of that magazine equal R. Much later we learn this same young man has a cousin. The cousin sells tickets for a concert and recommends eminent citizens ought to sit in the first Q rows.

Now for the Bonus Point

1. Subtract L from N and raise to the power Q.

2. Add M to K and multiply by R. Subtract from your answer to 1..

3. Add P to N and subtract S. Add to your answer to 2..

Read your numerical answer as a year. What Christmas-themed Wodehouse short story first appeared in the December issue of one of the above magazines in that year?