Round 51 - 6 July 2000

The Game
This week we move from those tender goddesses to that sport of sports, Rugby. Please identify the character speaking, with bonus points for other characters, as well as references.

1. ... I know that the main scheme is to work the ball down the field somehow and deposit it over the line at the other end, and that, in order to squelch this programme, each side is allowed to put in a certain amount of assault and battery and do things to its fellow-man which, if done elsewhere, would result in fourteen days without the option, coupled with some strong remarks from the Bench.

2. "I've always been mad keen on Rugger. Didn't get much of it after leaving school, as they stationed me in West Africa. Tried to teach the natives the game, but had to give it up. Too many deaths, with the inevitable subsequent blood feuds."

3. "The scrum-half," said X, "is the half who works the scrum. He slings the pill out to the fly-half, who starts the three-quarters going."

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Round 52 - 15 July 2000

Author, Author
In his usual self deprecating manner, Plum generally treats his authors as amiable imbeciles. Please name the author, with bonus points for other speakers and references.

1. "And if only I could have contrived to remain an assistant editor, I should be there now. But my boss went on a holiday, silly ass, leaving me in charge of the sheet and in a well meant attempt to ginger the bally thing up a bit I made rather a bloomer in the Uncle Woggly Department."

Who was this victim of Fate?

Bingo Little, Oliver Sipperley, Ronald Fish or Monty Bodkin?

2. "I did think I could have trusted X not to make an ass of himself just for once," she murmured with a wild regret.

"I doubt if you can ever trust an author not to make an ass of himself," I responded gravely.

3. "He's writing a novel, only he hasn't got far with it. He doesn't seem able to satisfy his artistic self. He keeps clutching his brow and muttering 'This damned thing needs dirtying up'. You know how it is when you're writing a novel these days. If it isn't the sort of stuff small boys scribble on fences, nobody will look at it."

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Round 53 - 28 July 2000

Intimate Details
It's no wonder that Wodehouse's characters feel like old friends, given that we know their innermost secrets, from how much oof they need to square themselves with bookies to the childhood behavior their nannies deprecated. Take this matter of names, for instance: after years and years of fraternization, Tuppy Glossop's best pals are surprised to learn that his given name is Hildebrand (similary Lord "Chuffy" Chuffnell and Marmaduke), whereas we, the privileged readers, often know not only the Christian but the middle name, which can be an important clue to the psychology of the individual. Test your knowledge of character: to whom do the following middle names belong? As usual, extra credit for identifying context and/or the significance, if any, of the name.

1. Wilberforce (I think I'll waive the chapter and verse requirement here, unless someone comes up with something really enlightening)

2. Overbury

3. San Francisco Earthquake

4. Galahad

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Round 54 - 5 August 2000

Home, Sweet Home
Much has been made of the stately homes in the canon, but here we concentrate on the more modest dwellings. Identify the speakers and/or narrators; extra credit, as usual, for providing context.

1. The thought that he would never own a little home like that racked him from stem to stern with an almost unbearable torment. What, argued X, clinging to the railings and crying weakly, could compare, when you came right down to it, with a little home? A man with a little home is all right, whereas a man without a little home is just a bit of flotsam on the ocean of life. If Y had only consented to marry him, he would have had a little home. But she had refused to marry him, so he would never have a little home. What Y wanted, X felt, was a good swift clout on the side of the head.

2. "By Jove, Z, this flat of yours is all right." "Not bad," assented Z, "not bad. Free from squalor to a great extent. I have a number of little objects of vertu coming down shortly from the old homestead. Pictures, and so on. It will be by no means un-snug when they are up. Meanwhile, I can rough it. We are old campaigners, we Zs. Give us a roof, a few comfortable chairs, a sofa or two, half a dozen cushions, and decent meals, and we do not repine."

3. Wee Nooke proved to be a decentish little shack, situated in agreeable surroundings. A bit Ye Olde, but otherwise all right. It had a thatched roof and a lot of those windows with small leaded panes, and there was a rockery in the front garden. It looked, in short, as I subsequently learned was the case, as if it had formerly been inhabited by an elderly female of good family who kept cats.

4. "A most desirable property," he assured B. "A bijou bower of verdure. The house is a beautifully appointed modern residence, fitted with every up-to-date convenience and in perfect order." "Company's own water?" asked B, keenly. "Certainly." "Both H and C?" "Quite." "The usual domestic offices?" "Of course." "And how about the estate?" "Peacehaven," said A, "has park-like grounds extending to upwards of an eighth of an acre." "What happens if you get lost?" asked B, interested. "I suppose they send St. Bernard dogs in after you."

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Round 55 - 14 August 2000

Flarze

What is a little home, or a big one for that matter, without a garden? Identify these fragrant bowers of verdure and any speakers/narrators. Extra credit as usual for identifying the context.

1. Something dimly resembling peace crept into X's soul as he paid off his cab and entered the cool shade of the gardens. Even from the road he had caught a glimpse of stimulating reds and yellows; and as he ambled up the asphalt path and plunged round the corner the flower-beds burst upon his sight in all their consoling glory. 'Ah!' breathed X rapturously, and came to a halt before a glowing carpet of tulips.

2. The weather, moreover, continued superb. The honeysuckle cast its sweet scent on the gentle breeze; the roses over the porch stirred and nodded; the flowers in the garden were lovelier than ever; the birds sang their little throats sore. And every evening there was a magnificent sunset. It was almost as if Nature were doing it on purpose.

3. The rose-garden of -- was a famous beauty-spot. Most people who visited it considered it deserving of a long and leisurely inspection. Enthusiastic horticulturists frequently went pottering and sniffing about it for hours on end. The tour through its fragrant groves personally conducted by Y lasted some six minutes. 'Well, that's what it is, you see,' he said, as they emerged, waving a hand vaguely. 'Roses and - er - roses, and all that sort of thing. You get the idea.'

4. Like all the gardens in the neighbourhood, it was a credit to its owner -- on the small side, but very green and neat and soothing. The fact that, though so widely built over, Valley Fields has not altogether lost its ancient air of rusticity is due entirely to the zeal and devotion of its amateur horticulturists. More seeds are sold each spring in Valley Fields, more lawn mowers pushed, more garden rollers borrowed, more snails destroyed, more green fly squirted with patent mixtures, than in any other suburb on the Surrey side of the river. Brixton may have its Bon Marché and Sydenham its Crystal Palace; but when it comes to pansies, roses, tulips, hollyhocks and nasturtiums, Valley Fields points with pride.

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... which nearly always feature water of some sort, and I'm not saying they're wrong. One only regrets that there are so few with a moat in these lax days. For the irrigated grounds described in the following passages, please identify the owner(s), along with any narrators or speakers; extra credit, as usual, for specifying context.

1. There were miles of what they call rolling parkland, trees in considerable profusion well provided with doves and what not cooing in no uncertain voice, gardens full of roses, and also stables, outhouses, and messuages, the whole forming a rather fruity tout ensemble. But the feature of the place was the lake. It stood to the east of the house, beyond the rose garden, and covered several acres. In the middle of it was an island. In the middle of the island, was a building known as the Octagon. And in the middle of the Octagon, seated on the roof and spouting water like a public fountain, was Z.

2. 'Very damp house, this.' 'It is a bit moist.' 'Water comes through the walls in heaping handfuls. I suppose because it's so close to the river. I remember saying to Y once, "Y," I said, "I'll tell you something about your home surroundings. In the summer the river is at the bottom of your garden, and in the winter your garden is at the bottom of the river." Amused the old boy quite a bit. He thought it clever.'

3. Through the wide French windows of the drawing room of --, the country seat of X, in the county of Worcestershire, there was much to be seen that was calculated to arrest and please the eye. Beyond the smooth gravel drive which swept out of sight round a hedge of rhododendrons lay a velvet lawn, rolled and tended through the centuries by generations of assiduous gardeners. This ran down to the tree-fringed lake, and where the water ended woods began, climbing in an unbroken mass up the hillside. Most people who came into the drawing room stood at one of the windows and stared devoutly, silently drinking in the lovely scene.

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Plum and Ethel were animal lovers par excellence and, although dogs, cats and pigs take pride of place in the Wodehouse menagerie, the variety of animal life featured in the canon is formidable. Without further ado, here is Quiz #57: From the following examples please identify the species and (if known) the name of the creature described, its owner, if any, and supply the usual references to chapter and verse.

1. He closed his eyes and pondered on his favourite problem -- Why was he a X? This was always good for an hour or so, and it was three o'clock before he had come to his customary decision that he didn't know. Then, exhausted by brainwork and feeling a trifle hipped by the silence of the room, he looked about him for some way of jazzing existence up a little. It occurred to him that if he barked again it might help. 'Woof-woof-woof!'

2. 'Forty-three seconds after I said I'd marry him I broke the engagement because he took a swing at A.' 'Your little brother?' 'My little B. I held A up to his face and said: "Kiss Papa," and C gave a short horrible gurgle and knocked him out of my hands. Imagine! Might have cracked him.' She spoke indignantly, as one confident of the sympathy of her audience, but D found himself entirely pro-C. He considered that in the scene thus vividly described the novelist had acted with great courage and spirit and wished, as A, yawning broadly, nestled against his right foot, that he was man enough to do the same.

Who are A (the animal's name), B (species of same), C (the speaker's on-again, off-again fiancé), D (the speaker's current interlocutor) and the speaker herself?

3. The man's behaviour had now begun to be definitely peculiar. There was only one adjective to describe his manner, and that was the adjective odd. Slowly he had heaved himself up into a more rigid posture, and with his hands on his knees was bending slightly forward. His eyes had taken on a still glassier expression, and now with the glassiness was blended horror. Unmistakable horror. He was staring at some object directly in front of him. It was a Z. Or, rather, at present merely the head of a Z.

4. The one thing of which he was sure was that it would begin operations by uttering a fearful snarl and when the next sound that came to his ears was a deprecating cough he was so astonished that he could keep his eyes closed no longer. Opening them, he found the X looking at him with an odd, apologetic expression on its face. 'Excuse me, sir,' said the X, 'but are you by any chance a family man?'

Bonus Question

Don't worry if you don't get this one, as you won't find the answer between the covers of a Wodehouse book. But, for the fun of it, where in the World of Wodehouse would you expect to find Bill the bull, Hildebrand the hog, Reginald the rooster, Clarice the cow, Perceval the pig, Hilda the resourceful hen and Frederick the frog?

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Not surprisingly for such a prolific writer, it is a rare Wodehouse book that doesn't feature at least one character who can claim to be a published author, even if it's just a solitary article on What the Well-Dressed Man is Wearing commissioned by a good and deserving aunt. For this week's quiz (Quiz #58, if you're counting) we deal with:

The Life Literary
You will be provided with four examples of a writer's literary output and asked to identify the author and, of course, the relevant Wodehouse story or novel. To head off at the pass the inevitable flood of angry emails beginning, "Dear Sir, Are you aware ..." I will state here and now that while all four authors have appeared in print, (a) one of the following excerpts was suppressed and not, in fact, published, (b) a second example was written by a ghost-writer, (c) a third appeared in print under a nom-de-plume and (d) the other one was published without a by-line. For extra points, match (a), (b), (c) and (d) with Questions 1, 2, 3 and 4.

1. Often of a spring morning, as you wander through the fields, you will hear the sweet-toned, carelessly-flowing warble of the purple finch linnet. When you are older you must read all about him in Mr Alexander Worple's wonderful book, American Birds.

2. You think you are perfectly well, don't you? You wake up in the morning and spring out of bed and say to yourself that you have never been better in your life. You're wrong! Unless you are avoiding coffee as you would avoid the man who always tells you the smart things his little boy said yesterday, and drinking SAFETY FIRST MOLASSINE for breakfast, you cannot be Perfectly well. It is a physical impossibility. Coffee contains an appreciable quantity of the deadly drug caffeine, and therefore --

3. (He is) half god, half prattling, mischievous child.

4, Well, chickabiddies, how are you all? Minding what nursie says and eating your spinach like good little men? That's right. I know the stuff tastes like a motorman's glove, but they say there's iron in it, and that's what puts hair on the chest.

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The Sporting Life

With the Olympics in all their glory now dominating the television sets of the world, it may be appropriate to turn our attention to the Wodehouse Sporting Life, which runs the gamut from A (archery; William Tell Told Again) to Z (Zebu-hunting by Colonel Sir Francis Pashley-Drake before lumbago spoiled him for the chase; Unpleasantness at Bludleigh Court).

This week we offer four lists of various worthies, with each list made up of athletes connected to a specific sporting event or team. Your assignment, should you decide to accept it, is to identify said event or team and the source from whence it came.

1. Mrs. Penworthy, Willie Chambers, Harold (surname unknown), Jimmy Goode, Alexander Bartlett, Sarah Mills, Jane Parker, Bessie Clay, Rose Jukes and Prudence Baxter.

2. Matilda Jervis, Jane Willoughby, Muriel Debenham, George Winstanley Murgatroyd, J. Arthur "Grandpop" Binns, Archibald Twirling and John Jasper Jones.

3. J. Turnbull, Sandy Turnbull, Meredith and Moger. (HINT: These four don't actually appear in the canon but their skill at their sport of choice proves highly beneficial to a well-loved Wodehouse character.)

4. Washington McCall and Spike O'Dowd.

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No, not the Monty Python sketch where the chap, looking for a good argument, wanders into the Abuse Office and the Getting-Hit-On-The-Head classroom by mistake. This week we're offering four examples of Plummy abuse or, as George Mulliner and Susan Blake might put it, rebuke, denunciation, defamation, invective and insult, and are looking for the names of the people involved along with chapter and verse on the source.

1. "It is about time that some public-spirited person came along and told you where you got off. The trouble with you, __(X)__, is that just because you have succeeded in inducing a handful of half-wits to disfigure the London scene by going about in black shorts, you think you're someone. You hear them shouting, 'Heil, __(X)__!' and you imagine it is the Voice of the People. That is where you make your bloomer. What the Voice of the People is saying is, 'Look at that frightful ass __(X)__ swanking about in footer bags! Did you ever in your puff see such a perfect perisher?'"

2. "You are an old man on the brink of the tomb (...) and I am not going to shove you into it by giving you the slosh on the jaw which you have been asking for with every word you have uttered. But I would just like to say this. You are without exception the worst tick and bounder that ever got fatty degeneration of the heart through half a century of gorging food and swilling wine wrenched from the lips of a starving proletariat. You make me sick. You poison the air. Good-bye, ___(A)___," said ___(B)___, drawing away rather ostentatiously. "I think we had better terminate this interview, or I may become brusque."

3. "Dishpot!" [In the unlikely event that more than one Wodehouse character has called someone else a dishpot, I add the following slab of additional dialogue.] ___(C)___ started. These were fighting words. "Who called me a dishpot?" "I did," replied ___(D)___ with quiet fortitude. "An overbearing dishpot, that's what you are, and I would like to give my month's notice."

4. "Did you throw that egg?" To which the red-haired man's reply was: "R." "You did, did you?" said ___(Z)___. "Well, what price sausage and mashed?"

The Master often introduced medical men and women into his works. However, no serious illnesses disrupted his sunny world (apart from Gus the cat's Traumatic Symplegia). Here is a selection of doctors, with one psuedo doctor, and medical happenings. Please identify the speakers, with bonus points for the book and chapter or short story title.

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