We had got it straightened out. The scales had fallen from our eyes. We knew where we were.

2. "Was I ever in hospital! That's a good 'un. That would make the boys on the medical council giggle. Ask them at St. Luke's if A was ever in hospital. Ask them at St. Christopher's. Why, I've spent most of my life in hospitals. Started as a child with Congenital Pyloric Hypertrophy of the Stomach and never looked back."

B was trembling violently. A look of awe had come into his face, the look which a small boy wears when he sees a heavyweight champion of the world.

3. The moment C set eyes on D he knew that he had picked a lemon in the garden of medicine. What he had hoped for was a sunny practitioner who would poke him in the ribs with his stethoscope, compliment him on his amazing health, tell him an anecdote about a couple of Irishmen named Pat and Mike, give him some sort of ointment for his spots, and send him away in a whirl of good-fellowship. And D proved to be a gloomy man with side whiskers, who smelled of iodoform and had obviously been looking on the black side of things since he was a slip of a boy.

1. It would have pained X, the kindliest and most chivalrous of men, could he have read the News of the World headlines which were racing through her mind - FIEND DISMEMBERS BEAUTIFUL GIRL the mildest of them. Preoccupied with the thought of the note which he wished conveyed to his loved one, he had forgotten what a hideous menace the beard lent to his honest features. Even when clean-shaved, he was, as has been shown, not everybody's money. Peering out from behind Fruity Biffen's beard, he presented an appearance that might have caused even Joan of Arc a momentary qualm.

2. That beard, he could swear, was a false one. It was so evidently hampering its proprietor. He was pushing bits of fish through it in the cautious manner of an explorer blazing a trail through a strong forest. In short, instead of being a man inflicted by nature with a beard, and as such more to be pitied than censured, he was a deliberate putter-on of beards, a self-bearder, a fellow who, for who knew what dark reasons, carried his own private jungle around with him, so that any moment he could dive into it and defy pursuit. It was childish to suppose that such a man could be up to any good.

3. At five minutes to eleven on the morning named he was at the station, a false beard and spectacles shielding his identity from the public eye. If you had asked him, he would have said that he was a Scotch business man. As a matter of fact, he looked more like a motor-car coming through a haystack.

The Beach

Here in the Southern hemisphere temperatures are rising, and a young woman's fancy is turning to thoughts of the sea. Wodehouse characters' seaside visits are fraught with potential hazards, including total immersion, kidnapped children and treacherous tides. About the only person to have a successful visit was Jeeves, who not only had an exceedingly enjoyable bath, but also judged a seaside belle's competition.

Please name the main character in the passage, with bonus points for book and chapter or short story title.

1. "According to X, the finny denizen kept snapping at her ankles virtually without cessation, so that by the time help arrived, she was feeling more like a salted almond at a public dinner than anything human."

2. "At Roville, as at most French seashore resorts, the morning is the time when the visiting population assembles in force on the beach. Whiskered fathers of families made cheerful patches of colour in the foreground. Their female friends and relatives clustered in groups under gay parasols. Dogs roamed to and fro, and children dug industriously with spades, ever and anon suspending their labours in order to smite one another with these handy implements."

3. "I had thought of putting him under once or twice just to show him he was being rescued, but decided against such a source as being needlessly realistic. As it was, I fancy he had swallowed of sea-water two or three hearty draughts."

Career Choices

1. "To me from the very start, the fish business was what I can only describe as a wash-out. It nauseated my finer feelings. It got right in amongst my fibres. I had to rise and partake of a simple breakfast at about four in the morning, after which I would make my way to Billingsgate Market and stand for some hours knee-deep in dead fish of every description. (...) My uncle used to tell me that the way to ascertain whether a fish was fresh was to peer into its eyes. Could I spend the springtime of life staring into the eyes of a dead fish? No!" He rose. "Well, I will not detain you any longer. Thank you for the unfailing courtesy and attention with which you have listened to me. You can understand now why my talents are on the market and why I am compelled to state specifically that no employment can be considered which has anything to do with fish. I am convinced that you will shortly have something particularly good to offer me."

2. X in the course of his life had had many ambitions. As a child, he had yearned some day to become an engine-driver. At school, it had seemed to him that the most attractive career the world had to offer was that of a professional cricketer. Later, he had hoped to run a prosperous night-club. But now, in his twenty-sixth year, all these desires were cast aside and forgotten. The only thing in life that seemed really worth while was to massacre waiters, and to this task he addressed himself with all the energy and strength at his disposal.

3. "We had agreed that your lordship's impending marriage made it essential to augment your lordship's slender income, and we went through the Classified Trades section of the telephone directory in quest of a possible profession which your lordship might adopt. It was merely because nothing of a suitable nature had presented itself by the time we reached the T's that I suggested Turf Accountant faute de mieux."

4. "I've been thinking, laddie! I've got an idea! The idea of a lifetime. The best ever, 'pon my Sam! I'm going to start a duck farm! (...) And run it without water. My theory is, you see, that ducks get thin by taking exercise and swimming about all over the place, so that, if you keep them always on land, they'd get jolly fat in about half the time -- and no trouble and expense. See? What? Not a flaw in it, old horse! I've thought the whole thing out." He took my arm affectionately. "Now, listen. We'll say that the profits of the first year at a conservative estimate..."

Unforgettable Cameos

You don't have to be a major character like Bertie Wooster or even have an important supporting role like Vladimir Brusiloff or Angus McAllister to make your mark in Wodehouse. The canon is full of bit part walk-on artistes made unforgettable by their dialogue, action or description. Some, like young Ern, memorable for biting Lady Constance on the leg and wearing hair oil for the Feet, don't even have speaking parts. Please identify the characters referred to in the following extracts and the stories in which they make their appearance.

1. In one second, without any previous training or upbringing, he had become the wettest man in Worcestershire.

2. The brains of (members of this character's profession) resemble soup at a cheap restaurant. It is wiser not to stir them.

3. She looked as if she might be a stenographer selected for some business magnate by his wife out of a number of competing applicants. (And later, in the same story) "But listen, I give you my honest word she looked like something employed by the government for scaring crows in the cornfields of Minnesota."

4. (In this example a clergyman, alarmed at strife and dissension among members of his little flock, addresses the matter head-on. I've taken the liberty of censoring the name of his parish to avoid giving away his identity.) "We must not," said the Rev. __(A)__, "consider ourselves as belonging to this section of (name of parish) or to that section of (name of p.). Let us get together. Let us recollect that we are all fellow-members of one united community. (N. of parish) must be looked on as a whole. And what a whole it is!"

Politics And Politicians

Having done my duty today (Nov. 27) by marking an 'X' on my ballot next to the appropriate name in our Canadian General Election, and with our American cousins still wrestling with the perplexing dilemma of whether or not, if I caught the term correctly, "pimpled chaps", sometimes known as "Prossers", should be counted in their recent vote, it seems timely to have a quiz on politics and politicians. We ask you to identify the politicians or would-be politicians speaking or referred to in the following extracts and provide the usual sources.

1. "You want taxes cut, don't you? (...) And our foreign policy bumped up? (...) And our exports doubled and a stick of dynamite put under the pound? I'll bet you do. Then vote for ___(W)___, the man who with his hand on the helm of the ship of state will steer England to prosperity and happiness, bringing back once more the spacious days of Good Queen Bess." This was a line of talk that ___(X)___ has roughed out for my use. There was also some rather good stuff about this sceptered isle and this other Eden, demi-something, but I had forgotten it.

2. "You know what the British voter is like. Let him learn that you have won the Derby or saved a golden-haired child from a burning building, and yours is the name he puts a cross against on the ballot paper, but tell him that someone has knocked your topper off with a Brazil nut and his confidence in you is shaken. He purses his lips and asks himself if you are the right man to represent him in the mother of Parliaments. I don't defend this attitude, I merely say it exists." It was ___(Y)___'s turn to muse, and having done so he was forced to admit that there was truth in this. (...) Picturing Bottleton East's probable reaction on learning of the tragedy that had darkened his life, he winced so strongly that his hat fell off and got another dent in it.

3. He had stood for Parliament once before, several years back, in the North. He had been defeated by a couple of thousand votes, and he hoped that the episode had been forgotten. Not merely because his defeat had been heavy. There was another reason. On that occasion he had stood as a Liberal. He was standing for Kenningford as a Unionist. Of course, a man is at perfect liberty to change his views, if he wishes to do so, but the process is apt to give his opponents a chance of catching him (to use the inspired language of the music-halls) on the bend. __(Z)__ was rather afraid that the light-hearted electors of Kenningford might avail themselves of this chance. (...) He feared that the meeting at the Town Hall might possibly be a trifle rowdy.

4. "I have been studying the papers of late, and it seems to me that it doesn't much matter who gets elected. Of course the opposition papers may have allowed their zeal to run away with them, but even assuming that to be the case, the other candidates appear to be a pretty fair contingent of blighters. If I were a native of New York, perhaps I might take a more fervid interest in the matter, but as I am merely passing through your beautiful little city, it doesn't seem to me to make any very substantial difference who gets in. To be absolutely candid, my view of the thing is this. If the People are chumps enough to elect you, they they deserve you. I hope I don't hurt your feelings in any way. I am merely stating my own individual opinion."

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Unidentified Flying Objects

Whether it's Psmith having his best hat ventilated by a bullet hole on an outing to a New York boxing match or Bertie Wooster receiving a "great dashed chunk of pips and mildew" on the tip of the nose during the opening night performance of What ho, Twing, it isn't unusual for Wodehouse characters to be on the receiving end of flying projectiles of various types. This week we want you to identify the following four flying objects, their targets, the perpetrators of the outrages and, of course, the source story or novel.

1. (He) was an excellent sleeper. He started early and finished late. It was his gentle boast that for more than twenty years he had never missed his full eight hours. Generally he managed to get something nearer ten. But then, as a rule, people did not fling _______s through his window at four in the morning. Even under this unusual handicap, however, he struggled bravely to preserve his record. The first of ___(A)___'s missiles, falling on a settee, produced no change in his regular breathing. The second, which struck the carpet, caused him to stir. It was the third, colliding sharply with his humped back, that definitely woke him. He sat up in bed and stared at the thing.

2. With an accuracy of aim which gave evidence of the clear eye and the steady hand, he proceeded to hurl the contents of the plate across the courtyard. It was the fifth and last of the jagged delicacies that hit ___(D)___. It caught him squarely between the eyes, creating the momentary illusion that the top of his head had parted from its moorings. For in supposing that ___(D)__'s office was empty, __(E)__ had erred. Its lessee was there, but a few moments earlier he had gone done on his hands and knees in quest of a dropped sixpence. A curious impression, that the air had suddenly become full of strange flying objects caused him to rise abruptly at precisely the worst time that he could have chosen.

3. "Now, please," said one of the cameramen. Over the heads of the crowd, well and truly aimed, whizzed a large juicy ______. It burst like a shell between ___(X)___'s expressive eyes, obliterating them in scarlet ruin. It splattered ___(X)___'s collar, it dripped on ___(X)___'s morning coat.

4. I breathed a deep breath and wiped the old forehead. The window flew up again. "Hi!" A package weighing about a ton hit me on the head and burst like a bomb. "Did you catch it?" said the face, reappearing. "Dear me, you missed it."