You are invited to give as many as you can of four names (one for each quotation).

Possible answers are on tap.

If you can also specify sources, you will be showered with bonus points.

1. "We can't give her a bathroom, I'm afraid."

"I fear not, m'lord."

"Still, if she can make do with a shower, she can stand under the upper hall skylight."

Who was the noble speaker? Lord Biskerton (‘the Biscuit’), Lord Dreever, Lord Ickenham (‘Uncle Fred’), Lord Rowcester or Towcester (Bill Belfry), or Lord Uffenham?

2. (...) then reluctantly he grasped the water pipe and started to lower himself. (...) The water pipe was magnificent. It could easily, if it had had the distorted sense of humour of some water pipes, have come apart from the wall and let him shoot down like a falling star, but it stood as firm as a rock. It did not even wabble.

Who was the reluctant acrobat? George Bevan, John Carroll, Dudley Finch, ‘Blister’ Lister, or Reginald Mulliner?

3. "(...) By seven o'clock, (...) five of my six guests had been reduced to so admirable a state of mental collapse that it was plainly only a matter of moments before they started packing. And it was at this juncture that the sixth guest (...) returned to the fold (...). Imagine my concern (...) when this bloke Wapshott, on learning what had occurred, flung up his head like a war-horse at the note of a bugle, and announced with flashing eyes that, until his retirement from business six months before, he himself had been an inspector of drains and, what is more, well-known as one of the keenest minds in the profession. Opening his remarks by relating a striking compliment which had been paid to his acumen and intuition by somebody high up in the drains world in the summer of the year '26, he said with considerable heat that, if anyone was going to tell him there was anything wrong with the system at X, he would eat his hat. He exhibited the hat – a plush Fedora. And he went on to speak for a while of drains he had met, of drains which had tried to deceive him, and of the pitiful lack of success which such drains had enjoyed. (...)"

What was the name of the building (X)? Blotsam Castle, The Cedars, Holly House, Matchingham Hall, or Mon Repos?

4. (...) she waved her hand in the direction of the asthmatic gurgle which was punctuating their conversation.

"This," she said, "is the cistern."

It was the first time Y had been formally introduced to a cistern, and he was not quite sure of the correct etiquette. He bowed slightly and eyed the repellent object with interest.

Who was Y? Bill Chalmers (Lord Dawlish), Jimmy Crocker, Packy Franklyn, Ashe Marson, or Sam Shotter?

Butlers

This week we will consider those wondermen, the butlers. Of course, the true butler is of mature years, speaks authoritatively and has a liking for port. The lissom young man in danger of sliding down the banisters is not a butler in the deepest, truest sense.

Please identify the following butlers, with bonus points for references.

1. As a matter of fact, it was all I could do to speak at all, for the sudden impact of X had removed the breath almost totally. He took me right back to the days when I was starting out as a flaneur and man about town and used to tremble beneath butlers' eyes and generally feel very young and bulbous.

Older now and tougher, I am able to take most of these fauna in my stride. When they open front doors to me, I shoot my cuffs nonchalantly. 'Aha, there, butler,' I say. 'How's tricks?' But X was something special. He looked like one of those steel engravings of nineteenth-century statesmen. He had a large, bald head and pale, protruding gooseberry eyes, and those eyes, resting on mine, heightened the Dark Tower feeling considerably. The thought crossed my mind that if something like this had popped out at Childe Rolande, he would have clapped spurs to his charger and been off like a jack-rabbit.

Is this A) Swordfish B) Cakebread C) Beach or D) Charlie Silversmith?

2. His heart went out to Y. Dashed unpleasant it must be, he was feeling, for a butler to fall in love with the chatelaine of the establishment. Having to say "Yes madam," "Very good, madam," "The carriage waits,madam," and all that sort of thing, when every fibre of his being was urging him to tell her that she was the tree on which the fruit of his life hung and that for her sake he would pluck the stars from the sky, or whatever it is that butlers say when moved by the fire within.

3. "I suppose he he's been smarming round her ever since she arrived. That's where he scores, being a butler. No barriers between him and the cook. There he is, right on the spot, able to fuss over her to his heart's content. Probably told her she must be feeling tired after her journey, and insisted on her having a drop of sherry. Just the sort of little attention that wins a woman's heart."

Today marks Australia Day, so we hunt through the archives for things Australian, however abstruse. Please identify the speaker, with bonus points for references.

1. Well, you know, I've never been much of a lad for exhibitions. The citizenry in the mass always rather puts me off, and after I have been shuffling along with the multitude for quarter of an hour or so I feel as if I were walking on hot bricks. About this particular binge, too, there seemed to me to be a lack of what you might call human interest. I mean to say, millions of people, no doubt, are so constituted that they scream with joy and excitement at the spectacle of a stuffed porcupine fish or a glass of seeds from Western Australia - but not X.

2. ... a sudden bright light shone on me. I saw all. It was the word "scrounge" that did it. I remembered now having heard of Australia and its scroungers. They go about pinching things, C. - No, I do not mean spring suits, I mean things that really matter, things of vital import like sundials and summer-houses - not beastly spring suits which nobody could tell you wanted, anyway, and you'll get it back tomorrow as good as new.

3. Y, for his part, was all against the Colonies. As a setting for his career, that is to say. He had no earthly objection to Great Britain having Colonies. By all means have Colonies. They could rely on him for moral support. But when it came to legging it out to West Australia to act as a sort of valet to Uncle Frederick's beastly sheep - no.

Pets

We all know that Plum was a great animal lover, so this week we will focus on other friends of the dumb chums. Please identify, with bonus points for book and chapter or short story titles.

1. Who had a dachsund named Poppet? A. Madelaine Bassett B. Stiffy Byng or C. Phyllis Mills.

2. Who had a cat called Augustus?

3. Who had a Siamese cat called Miggles?

Publishers and literary agents

Publishers and literary agents

1. "I always used to think that publishers had to be devilish intelligent fellows, loaded down with grey matter; but I've got their number now. All a publisher has to do is to write cheques at intervals, while a lot of deserving and industrious chappies rally around and do the real work"

Who was this temporary publisher?

2. "Old Mr X was seated at his desk in his room at the E.S. literary agency when C arrived there. He was knitting a sock. He knitted a great deal, he would tell you if you asked him, to keep himself from smoking, adding that he also smoked a great deal to keep himself from knitting. He was a long, thin old gentleman in his middle seventies with a faraway unseeing look in his eye, not unlike that which a dead halibut on a fishmonger's slab gives the pedestrian."

Who was this man?

3. "The last thing we desire being to cast aspersions on publishers, a most respectable class of men, we hasten to add that behaviour of this kind is very unusual with these fine fellows. Statistics show that the number of authoresses kissed annually by publishers is so small that, if placed end to end, they would reach scarcely any distance. Y's action was quite exceptional, and Hodder and Stoughton, had they observed it, would have looked askance. So would Jonathon Cape. And we think that we speak for Heinemann, Macmillan, Benn, Gollancz and Herbert Jenkins Ltd when we say that they, too, would have been sickened by the spectacle."

Who was this impassioned publisher?

Noises Off

This week we examine phenomena heard but not seen with three examples of off-stage noises. We're looking for the source of the noise, the names of the listener or listeners and the relevant story or novel.

1. (...) through the open window there suddenly breezed a noise. I'm never at my best at describing things. At school, when we used to do essays and English composition, my report generally read "Has little or no ability, but does his best", or words to that effect. True, in the course of the years I have picked up a vocabulary of sorts (...), but even so I'm not nearly hot enough to draw a word-picture that would do justice to that extraordinarily hefty crash. Try to imagine the Albert Hall falling on the Crystal Palace, and you will have got the rough idea.

2. ___(X)___ cowered behind the curtain. The sportsman in him whispered that he was missing something good, for ring-seats to view which many men would have paid large sums, but he could not nerve himself to look out. However, there was plenty of interest in the thing, even if you merely listened. The bumps and crashes seemed to indicate that the two principals were hitting one another with virtually everything in the room except the wall-paper and the large sideboard. Now they appeared to be grappling on the floor, anon fighting at long range with bottles. Words and combinations of whose existence he had till then been unaware floated to ___(X)___'s ears: and more and more he asked himself, as the combat proceeded: What would the harvest be? And then, with one titanic crash, the battle ceased as suddenly as it began.

3. Upstairs the efforts of the canine choir had begun to resemble the "A che la morte" duet in Il Trovatore. Particularly good word was being done by the baritone dog. (...) Heavy footsteps were descending the stairs. In the distance the soprano dog had reached A in alto and was holding it, while his fellow artiste executed runs in the lower register. (...) The duet had now taken on quite a Wagnerian effect.

A policeman's lot is not a happy one

Your average Plummy policeman would wholeheartedly agree with the above sentiment so memorably expressed by the Police Sergeant in Act Two of The Pirates of Penzance. Indeed, it is a rare Wodehouse bluebottle who doesn't receive an indignity of some description, ranging from your run of the mill pinched helmet to physical or verbal assault, or even having his dreams of movie stardom dashed on the grounds that he has no sex appeal, his voice isn't right or that his left profile isn't up to scratch. This week we have three examples of policemen being roughly treated and are looking for their names (or badge number in one case where the name is unknown), a brief description of the situation and the identity of the relevant story or novel.

1. A smeller - and among the finest I have ever been privileged to witness - was what this officer of the law came. One moment, he was with us, all merry and bright, the next, he was in the ditch, a sort of macedoine of arms and legs and wheels, with the terrier standing on the edge, looking down at him with that rather offensive expression of virtuous smugness which I have often noticed on the faces of Aberdeen terriers in their clashes with humanity.

2. "What," he asked, "is all this?" "Charawk," cried ___(X)___. "Pardon?" said the constable. "Charawk," fluted ___(X)___. "Charawk." And now, having reached the point where it was necessary for the purposes of his art to run around in a circle, holding the sides of his coat, and finding the officer's hand on his shoulder an impediment, he punched the latter smartly in the wind and freed himself.

3. Across the table ___(Z)___ was appalled by a sinister sight. The man opposite was rising. Yards and yards of him were beginning to uncoil, and on his face there was a strange look of determination and menace. "You're..." ___(Z)___ knew what the next word would have been. It would have been the verb 'pinched.' But it was never uttered. With a sudden frenzy, ___(Z)___ acted. (...) Seizing the table-cloth, he swept it off in a hideous whirl of apple pie, ice water, bread, potatoes, salad and poulet roti. He raised it on high, like a retarius in the arena, and brought it down in an enveloping mass on the policeman's head. Interested cries arose on all sides. The Purple Chicken was one of those jolly, informal restaurants in which a spirit of Bohemian fun is the prevailing note, but even in the Purple Chicken occurrences like this were unusual and calculated to excite remark. Four diners laughed happily, a fifth exclaimed "Hot pazazas!" and a sixth said "Well, would you look at that!"

Plum's Dumb Chums (Vol 2)

In Quiz #57 we barely scratched the surface of this topic. With the promise that you won't have to deal with grey parrots, alligators, white mice, synthetic gorillas or resourceful hens this week, we offer four more examples of animals, birds and various other non-human what-nots from the wonderful world of Wodehouse. Once again we're looking for the species, their names (if known), a brief re-cap of the circumstances of their appearance and the relevant story or novel.

1. Once I received a most unpleasant shock when, alighting to consult a signpost, I saw sitting of top of it (a or an) _____ that looked exactly like my Aunt Agatha. So agitated, indeed, had my frame of mind become by this time that I thought at first it was Aunt Agatha, and only when reason and reflexion told me how alien to her habits it would be to climb signposts and sit on them, could I pull myself together and overcome my weakness.

2. It was as he straightened himself after his thirty-second attempt to find one of those spots, so common in fiction, where you can see, if you look closely, that the earth here has been recently disturbed, that he found that he had wronged his blood pressure. This hissing sound had proceeded not from it but from the lips of a fine ____ which had emerged from a bush behind him and was regarding him with unmistakable menace. There are moments when, meeting (a or an) ____, we say to ourselves that we have found a friend. This was not one of them.

It is always important at times like this to understand the other fellow's point of view, and the _____ could certainly have made a case out for itself. With the little woman nesting in the vicinity and wanting to be alone with her eggs, it is not to be wondered at that it found intruders unwelcome. (...) one feels that the verdict of history will be that in making hissing noises, staring bleakly, spreading its wings to their fullest extent and scrabbling the feet to indicate the impending frontal attack this one was perfectly justified. ____s, as every ornithologist knows, can be pushed only so far.

3. He picked ___(B)___ up and placed him in the pocket of his dressing gown. Then, leaving the room, he mounted the stairs till he reached the seventh floor. Outside a room half-way down the corridor he paused. From within, through the open transom, came the rhythmical snoring of a good man taking his rest after the labours of the day. Mr Brewster was always a sound sleeper. (...) His father-in-law's snoring took on a deeper note. ___(D)___ extracted ___(B)___ from his pocket and dropped him gently through the transom. (NOTE: In this question B is the name of an animal or some other variety of non-human what-not. While there is a school of thought that D also qualifies as a dumb chum under the alternate or informal definition of dumb as 'stupid' or 'half-witted', he does, in fact, fall into the category of human being.)

4. A yellow desolation brooded over the kitchen. It was not so much a kitchen as an omelette. There were eggs everywhere from floor to ceiling. She crunched her way in on a carpet of oozing shells.

Her entry was a signal for a renewal on a more impressive scale of the uproar that she had heard on opening the door. The air was full of voices. The cook was expressing herself in Norwegian, the parlour-maid in what appeared to be Erse. On a chair in a corner the scullery-maid sobbed and whooped. The odd-job man, who was a baseball enthusiast, was speaking in terms of high praise of ___(X)___'s combined speed and control.

The only calm occupant of the room was ___(X)___ himself, who, either through a shortage of ammunition or through weariness of the pitching arm, had suspended active hostilities, and was now looking down on the scene from a high shelf. There was a brooding expression in his deep-set eyes. He massaged his right ear with the sole of his left foot in a somewhat distrait manner.

Commerce

While there are those who would agree with Freddie Fitch-Fitch's assessment that it's love that makes the world go round, there is also a widely held view that commerce serves that function. This week we ask you to identify three scenes set in shops and, of course, provide the usual sources. By way of a hint for the unilingual among you, the rough translation for the term "mont-de-piété" in question #3 is "pawn shop". In Question #1 the missing word is the type of merchandise stocked by the shop in the Brompton Road; i.e. hat shop, pet shop, sporting goods shop, etc.

1. The ______ shop in the Brompton Road proved, as foreshadowed, to be (a or an) ______ shop in the Brompton Road, and like all _____ shops except the swanky ones in the Bond Street neighbourhood, dingy outside and dark and smelly within. I don't know why it is, but the proprietors of these establishments always seem to be cooking some sort of stew in the back room.

2. At this excellent emporium one may buy, in addition to second-hand clothing, practically anything that exists: and the difficulty – for the brothers are all thrustful salesmen – is to avoid doing so. At the end of five minutes ___(X)___ was mildly surprised to find himself in possession of a smoking-cap, three boxes of poker-chips, some polo sticks, a fishing-rod, a concertina, a ukulele, and a bowl of goldfish.

3. "It is a place of much sorrow, mademoiselle, this office. How he would not take no for an answer, that young man, recently departed. (...) You have an expression, you English – I heard it in Paris in a cafe, and inquired its meaning – when you say of a man that he swanks. How many young men have I seen here, admirably dressed – rich, you would say. No, no. The mont-de-piété permits no secrets. To swank, mademoiselle, what is it? To deceive the world, yes. But not the mont-de-piété. Yesterday also, when you had departed, was he here, that young man. Yet here he is once more today. He spends his money quickly, alas! that poor young swanker."