Quotations from P G Wodehouse are copyright of, and reprinted by permission of, the Trustees of the Wodehouse Estate © 2015 The P G Wodehouse Society (UK)
The First Berlin Broadcast
[Official transcript made by the German Foreign Office]
It is just possible that my listeners may seem to detect in this little talk of mine
a slight goofiness, a certain disposition to ramble in my remarks. If so, the matter,
as Bertie Wooster would say, is susceptible of a ready explanation. I have just emerged
into the outer world after forty-
It's coming back, mind you. Look me up a couple of weeks from now, and you'll be
surprised. But just at the moment I feel slightly screwy and inclined to pause at
intervals in order to cut out paper dolls and stick straws in my hair -
This, no doubt, is always the effect of prolonged internment, and since July the
Since I went into business for myself as an internee, I have been in no fewer than
four Ilags -
It has been in many ways quite an agreeable experience. There is a good deal to be
said for internment. It keeps you out of the saloons and gives you time to catch
up with your reading. You also get a lot of sleep. The chief drawback is that it
means your being away from home a good deal. It is not pleasant to think that by
the time I see my Pekinese again, she will have completely forgotten me and will
bite me to the bone -
Young men, starting out in life, have often asked me "How can I become an Internee?" Well, there are several methods. My own was to buy a villa in Le Touquet on the coast of France and stay there till the Germans came along. This is probably the best and simplest system. You buy the villa and the Germans do the rest.
At the time of their arrival, I would have been just as pleased if they had not rolled
up. But they did not see it that way, and on May the twenty-
The whole thing was very peaceful and orderly. Le Touquet has the advantage of being a sort of backwater, off the line of march. Your tendency, if you are an army making for the coast, is to carry on along the main road to Boulogne, and not to take the first turning to the left when you reach Etaples. So the proceedings were not marred by any vulgar brawling. All that happened, as far as I was concerned, was that I was strolling on the lawn with my wife one morning, when she lowered her voice and said "Don't look now, but there comes the German army". And there they were, a fine body of men, rather prettily dressed in green, carrying machine guns.
One's reactions on suddenly finding oneself surrounded by the armed strength of a hostile power are rather interesting. There is a sense of strain. The first time you see a German soldier over your garden fence, your impulse is to jump ten feet straight up into the air, and you do so. About a week later, you find that you are only jumping five feet. And then, after you have been living with him in a small village for two months, you inevitably begin to fraternise and to wish that you had learned German at school instead of Latin and Greek. All the German I know is "Es ist schönes Wetter", I was a spent force, and we used to take out the rest of the interview in beaming at one another.
I had a great opportunity of brushing up my beaming during those two months. My villa stands in the centre of a circle of houses, each of which was occupied by German officers, who would come around at intervals to take a look at things, and the garden next door was full of Labour Corps boys. It was with these that one really got together. There was scarcely an evening when two or three of them did not drop in for a bath at my house and a beaming party on the porch afterwards.
And so, day by day, all through June and July, our quiet, happy life continued, with
not a jarring incident to mar the serenity. Well, yes, perhaps one or two. One day,
But these were small things, scarcely causing a ripple on the placid stream of life in the occupied areas. A perfect atmosphere of peace and goodwill continued to prevail. Except for the fact that I was not allowed out of my garden after nine at night, my movements were not restricted. Quite soon I had become sufficiently nonchalant to resume the writing of the novel which the arrival of the soldiery had interrupted. And then the order went out that all British subjects had got to report each morning at twelve o'clock at the Kommandantur down in Paris Plage.
As Paris Plage was three miles away, and they had pinched my bicycle, this was a nuisance. But I should have had nothing to complain of, if the thing had stopped there. But unfortunately it didn't. One lovely Sunday morning, as I was rounding into the straight and heading for the door of the Kommandantur, I saw one of our little group coming along with a suitcase in his hand.
This didn't look so good. I was conscious of a nameless fear. Wodehouse, old sport, I said to myself this begins to look like a sticky day. And a few moments later my apprehensions were fulfilled. Arriving at the Kommandantur, I found everything in a state of bustle and excitement. I said "Es ist schönes Wetter" once or twice, but nobody took any notice. And presently the interpreter stepped forward and announced that we were all going to be interned.
It was a pretty nasty shock, coming without warning out of a blue sky like that, and it is not too much to say that for an instant the old maestro shook like a badly set blancmange. Many years ago, at a party, which had started to get a bit rough, somebody once hit me on the bridge of the nose with an order of planked steak. As I had felt then, so did I feel now. That same sensation of standing in a rocking and disintegrating world.
I didn't realise at the time how much luckier I was than a great many other victims
of the drag-
The soldier who escorted me was unfortunately not one of those leisurely souls who believe in taking time over one's packing. My idea had been to have a cold bath and a change and a bite to eat, and then to light a pipe and sit down and muse for a while, making notes of what to take with me and what could be left behind. His seemed to be that five minutes was ample. Eventually we compromised on ten.
I would like my biographers to make careful note of the fact that the first thing
that occurred to me was that here at last was my chance to buckle down and read the
complete works of William Shakespeare. It was a thing I had been meaning to do any
time these last forty years, but somehow, as soon as I had got -
I didn't know what internment implied -
It was a pang to leave my novel behind, I had only five more chapters of it to do. But space, as Jeeves would have pointed out, was of the essence, and it had to go, and is now somewhere in France. I am hoping to run into it again one of these days, for it was a nice little novel and we had some great times together.
I wonder what my listeners would have packed in my place -
In the end, the only thing of importance I left behind was my passport, which was
the thing I ought to have packed first. The young internee is always being asked
for his passport, and if he hasn't got it, the authorities tend to look squiggle-
Having closed the suitcase and said goodbye to my wife and the junior dog, and foiled the attempt of the senior dog to muscle into the car and accompany me into captivity, I returned to the Kommandantur. And presently, with the rest of the gang, numbering twelve in all, I drove in a motor omnibus for an unknown destination.
That is one of the drawbacks to travelling, when you are an internee. Your destination always is unknown. It is unsettling, when you start out, not to be sure whether you are going halfway across Europe or just to the next town. Actually, we were headed for Loos, a suburb of Lille, a distance of about a hundred miles. What with stopping at various points along the road to pick up other foundation members, it took us eight hours.
An internee's enjoyment of such a journey depends very largely on the mental attitude
of the sergeant in charge. Ours turned out to be a genial soul, who gave us cigarettes
and let us get off and buy red wine at all stops, infusing the whole thing [with]
a pleasant atmosphere of the school treat. This was increased by the fact that we
all knew each other pretty intimately and had hobnobbed on other occasions. Three
of us were from the golf club -
Nevertheless as the evening shadows began to fall and the effects of the red wine to wear off, we were conscious of a certain sinking feeling. We felt very far from our snug homes and not at all sure that we liked the shape of things to come.
As to what exactly was the shape of things to come, nobody seemed to know. But the general sentiment that prevailed was one of uneasiness. We feared the worst.
Nor were we greatly encouraged, when, having passed through Lille, we turned down
a side lane and came through pleasant fields and under spreading trees to a forbidding-
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